The Impossible

2009-06-04T10:40:00.004-05:00

I'm learning to use voice recognition software. It's pretty cool. I can't talk fast enough though. Will be practicing that. Guess one handed typing is slow enough for me to think, edit, and write. Still, it's good to learn. I can see so many ways to use it and save my energy.

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MAKING THE IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE

“Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” - Saint Francis of Assisi

Three years ago I was injured in a car crash which resulted in a spinal cord injury at C 5 - 8 and a brachial plexus injury which affected the function of my left hand. Before my accident I loved to write. I kept a journal and wrote poetry. When my daughters were small, I wrote a story for each of them with characters that were reflective of each of their personalities. For the five months that I was in the rehabilitation center, I missed writing terribly. I was paralyzed except for my right arm and hand, however, my right hand was so weak that I had to learn to write all over again. Even after learning to write again, I could only write in short sentences or sign my name before my hand would become too tired to hold the pen. I wish I had known about your product at that time, however, I think part of the issue at that time was that there was not internet access available in patient rooms. Perhaps the occupational therapists did not have time to acquaint patients about its availability when, for most of us, our time in therapy was devoted to relearning “functional” skills like sitting up, rolling over, dressing, and so on. I am just excited to know about Dragon Naturally Speaking products now. I learned about it from the neuropsychologist I saw after discharge from rehab. I have a lot more to learn about how to use this voice recognition software, especially the commands, but am getting more proficient daily! Thank you for reopening an important piece of my world at a time when I had begun to feel that I was losing everything, including my career. I am grateful that Dragon Naturally Speaking is making what seemed to be impossible, possible!

( I wanted to share my story, however, please don’t enter my story in the contest. The stories of others that I have been reading on Facebook are so much more deserving of winning the prize than mine. My story is simply to express my heartfelt gratitude.)

2009-05-30T14:24:00.007-05:00

"If we as members of the human race practice meditation, we can transcend our fear, despair, and forgetfulness. Meditation is not an escape. It is the courage to look at reality with mindfulness and concentration. Meditation is essential for our survival, our peace, our protection".– from The World We Have by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh

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I know this is a huge missing piece of my life. I will be so glad to get this added back in and reclaim some rhythm to life. I watched several video clips on the Christopher & Dana Reeve Foundation about locomotor training, Some of the people in the clips looked like me. I realized that I was ashamed of myself when I went for my evaluation. I only saw myself as not ok and was so embarrassed that I could not do more. I sent the clips to my case manager today with a note about whether or not I gave up too soon. Some days I feel strong enough to do more. I feel like I'm just lazy and so indecisive sometimes. Oh, well...all solutions do not have to be arrived at today.

2009-05-25T11:48:00.005-05:00

I do not want a plain box,

I want a sarcophagus With tigery stripes, and a face on it

Round as the moon, to stare up.

I want to be looking at them when they come

Picking among the dumb minerals, the roots.

I see them already-the pale, star-distance faces.

Now they are nothing, they are not even babies.

I imagine them without fathers or mothers, like the first gods.

They will wonder if I was important. -Sylvia Plath, "Last Words"
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Memorial Day. School's out (almost - two make-up days for the swine flu closings). Summer is on it's way. Cloudy outside. Haley is planning a party this evening with friends - cookout. Hope it doesn't get rained out. I have no plans. Appointment this afternoon, but, after that - who knows...Haley & Rebel are sleeping in. Rebel was awake & barking @ 6:45 AM. Woke both Haley & I. Thought he wanted to goou, but no! Finally figured out that his water bowl was empty. He got a drink, climbed back into bed under the covers and went to sleep. What a goof!

2009-05-18T21:38:00.006-05:00

What in the world is going on!?! I just realized that I haven't changed clothes since Friday or taken a bath since Thursday. I know I've been distracted, not sleeping, busy trying to get through the mess in my room, find and take care of school stuff for Haley, weigh the safety issues for my daughters if the travel to Nepal, and me hating every minute of my life right now. I did exercise and use my stander today, finally got my meds set up for the week, talked with the vendor who helps me with my wheelchair to start working on a car solution. I would so love to go on a trip with my daughters, but the irony of it all is that I would not be able to do so because I would not have had the money or time off of work before this accident - I was about to start my third job.. So, this is the cruel tradeoff. Now I have the money to do a little traveling, but the hassle is not worth it to me. So, if I had my old life back, I would be on the other end of the "catch 22" - able and loving to travel but no means to do so. What's up with that? How is this to be reconciled? Do I cry for awhile over the life that was not meant for me, and, once again, try to craft something of value out of this existence? It seems so unfair. I want to take my daughter and her friend to the beach. I want to take my daughters to Nepal to make certain they are safe and to share experiencing a new culture. Why is it that some people seem to have it all while I feel like I'm constantly fighting an uphill battle. I know it's just "my story". My story sucks today!!!

2009-05-16T15:52:00.007-05:00

Fire and Rain by James Taylor

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone

Susanne the plans they made put an end to you

I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song

I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus

You've got to help me make a stand

You've just got to see me through another day

My body's aching and my time is at hand

And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun

Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around

Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come

Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again

There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now

Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now

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Heard this song this morning through new ears. It spoke to my struggle right now. "Susanne" represents the "me" before my accident - when I could walk, be spontaneous, and feel comfortable in my own body...I was told that you (my body whole) were gone, not to return again. I have held onto the hope that I would have it all back again, if I just believed and worked hard enough...but it is not enough to make you come back again. I've slipped into a time of denial, with my back turned toward the truth. I've depended on Jesus to get me through each day, one day at a time...I've been through good times and bad times that turned out fine, so I chose to treat this time the same. Now that it seems I will not see "Susanne" again, "sweet dreams (of complete recovery) and flying machines (hopes for the future) in pieces on the ground"...

"My time is at hand" to accept what is and to face the reality that I might have reached my maximal recovery, let go of the hope of more and more recovery and begin the reconstructing my life from where I am now.

2009-05-02T13:41:00.001-05:00

Avoid this activity and avoid swine flu!!! Today is not "kiss a pig" day...

2009-05-01T23:03:00.005-05:00

"Everyone thinks you are an open book today because the showy Leo Moon is in your 1st House of Personality. But unbeknown to others, you are in touch with deeply rooted emotions that have not yet reached the surface. Your hidden thoughts carry more weight because they are unspoken; once you share them the energy will quickly dissipate. In the meantime, observe how others judge you without necessarily saying more than you must." Rick Levine
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Whether I believe in astrology or not, this statement rings true. Why am I having such a hard time letting my guard down and exposing the reality I am experiencing? I am really at a loss about how to put my life back together in a meaningful whole. This is so totally ridiculous. Just the same I am feeling incredibly sad.

2009-04-11T15:28:00.005-05:00

"The fastest way to succeed is to look as if you're playing by somebody else's rules, while quietly playing by your own." -Michael Konda

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"I think the reward for conformity is everyone likes you but yourself." -Rita Mae Brown

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"The American ideal, after all, is that everyone should be as much alike as possible."
-James Baldwin

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"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

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Today is one of those days. Slept too late, as has become my norm lately. When I woke up, today was different. My legs were relaxed and did not spasm all night, my catheter did not malfunction, and my mind did not automatically jump into that self-berating mode about the time of day it happens to be. Nor did it start listing all of the things I have to do and those things not done. What is so different today?

Two things immediately come to mind - Haley is in Nashville having fun with her friends for the weekend to celebrate one of the girls' birthday and I did some fun things last night out of my apartment. I went to a birthday dinner for a friend. I was almost an hour late, so they had already finished their meals (I called to tell them I would be late and to please start without me). I arrived in time for dessert and coffee, but I arrived and did not cancel. Believe me, I thought about canceling. In spite of my best plans, I still did not calculate my timing correctly. I'm glad I went. It was nice to see everyone.

I wondered afterwards about my reason for being late. As the gathering wound down and people left to go home, the conversation shifted to the usual "how are you doing and what's new". I have nothing new to report other than PT is winding down, I'm driving some, and I casually mentioned that I'm not doing so well emotionally and was making an appointment with a therapist. In some ways I wanted to be real with this group of friends, but when I stated that I might not be able to walk more than I am able to now, the comments were mixed. They ranged from "it's ok to be tired and take a break" to "for now anyway". One friend said, it sounds like you are in a transition phase (hit the nail on the head! perceptive!)

I want to talk about what's going on, but not at my friend's birthday dinner. It seems that the days of just being able to blend in and listen to everyone are gone. Perhaps it will just take time for friends to accept that I will probably be in this wheelchair when we're together. I know that's what I'm trying to accept and justify. Is it ok to take a break? Is it ok to be tired and feel that I might have to be stuck in this chair most of the time? Am I just being lazy and giving up? Maybe I need to attend gatherings of my friends differently and more often now that I can drive so we can get past this wheelchair thing.

After the dinner, I went to a movie by myself. A movie that I know none of my friends would want to see. Another first...to drive myself to a theater at night on a Friday at peak movie attendance time. It was good to see what I wanted and at a time of my chosing. I had my late "dinner" after the movie - a coke float and a snack size grilled chicken wrap. I was still not sleepy when I returned home, so sat up most of the night working on the computer with the TV on softly in the background.

Perhaps my lack of stress over a late awakening time relates to fitting in to the "normal" schedule of others. While I know it is more functional to go to sleep at a reasonable time and awaken in the morning like most of the rest of the people in my world, maybe this is not so dysfunctional in my personal world. I'm at least getting 8 to 9 hours of sleep. Maybe this is part of the isolating I'm doing to allow time to adjust to this transition alone and apart from others. I know it cannot continue if I value personal relationships, but maybe today I felt no pressure to conform. Could that be the difference or am I just trying to rationalize my behavior?

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After reading quotes about conformity, I wonder if my expectations and definition of "normal" are getting in the way of me being who I am? Thought to ponder...reframes the discussion...

2009-04-05T01:30:00.003-05:00

I Hope You Dance!!!

These weeks leading to Good Friday can have a special poignancy as we grow older, a regret that Jesus never lived to middle or old age, but died when he was thirty-three, at the height of his powers. We do not know from the Gospels how he would have coped with sickness, accidents, the loss of friends, failure in work, the slowing of the mind, the lapses of memory, the aching limbs, the sense that life has passed its peak. All these things happened to him suddenly, in twenty-four hours, from Thursday evening to Friday afternoon. To us they happen slowly, with more time for us to accept them well or badly. They are, more than any individual tragedy, our crucifixion, our share in Jesus' fate. Sacred Space, April 4, 2009
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I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don't want to do them.
-Nancy Astor, In "Hammer and Tongues," by Brown and O'Connor, 1986
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You can free yourself from aging by reinterpreting your body and by grasping the link between belief and biology. -Deepak Chopra
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I promise to keep on living as though I expected to live forever. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up interest wrinkles the soul. -General Douglas MacArthur
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Thoughts on aging...

2009-04-04T01:40:00.007-05:00

"... I was fortunate in that no one gave me hope that I would ever walk again. But that wasn't true for some of my fellow patients who were told about promising new research and to "never give up hope". They went home and postponed their lives waiting for the cure. Certainly in the short run hopelessness can be anguish. But as a Native American saying goes: "in hopelessness, we become open channels." Dan Gottlieb, Ph.D., April 2, 2009, "Ask Dan" @ Philly.com.

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How is the dilemma of hope vs. hopelessness resolved in the face of cutting edge research? I received an e-mail today from my physical therapist at the regional rehabilitation outpatient program checking on my progress. I'm fairly certain the real question that went unasked is whether I have reconsidered participating in the locomotor training program. In some ways a complete spinal cord injury is more humane than an incomplete injury. Although today, most people with SCIs are given the possibility of some recovery presented to them, whether it realistically possible or not. Each person has to decide their own path. Margaret Weis, an acclaimed science fiction writer, describes the role of hope in Dragons of Winter Night:

"Hope is the denial of reality. It is the carrot dangled before the draft horse to keep him plodding along in a vain attempt to reach it."

I am not certain how this issue is to be reconciled. Plodding along trying to reach a carrot, like the draft horse, is a reasonable path to take initially. The difficulty arises when one decides to slow down the pursuit and live more in the present. The lure of the possible does not go away, rather it continues like the siren's cry from the Lorelei. I began evaluating the pursuit when I saw video clips of two guys who worked for six years to relearn walking. One guy walked with a cane for balance, the other guy looked like me, walking with a walker for short distances.

I began to consider what my body was telling me. My left knee is difficult to straighten and is painful at times. My left ankle, though healed from the fracture a year and a half ago, still swells and is not stable. It rolls when I try to walk unless I wear the big, bulky AFO, which makes it even more difficult to straighten my left knee.

Conditions have to be perfect for walking or I experience severe abdominal spasms, during which I have to sit down and breathe in tiny, shallow breaths until the spasm relaxes and I can breathe normally. The conditions are that I cannot eat or drink within an hour of walking, I have to be well rested and have no issues with my bowels or bladder. Additionally, my blood pressure must stay in a normal range rather than dropping too low.

These factors, plus the fact that I was older than most at the time of my accident, and have worked continuously for three years to regain my current level of function, have caused me to pause and consider the cost vs. benefit issue. Quite frankly, I don't want to continue the level of physical therapy that I have been doing at the exclusion of other pursuits that are equally important parts of a balanced life for me.

Even though I have made a thoughtful decision, I know I will periodically haunted by the words of H. Ross Perot when he said that, "Most people give up just when they're about to achieve success. They quit on the one yard line. They give up at the last minute of the game one foot from a winning touchdown". As I consider factors, including some that only I am aware of, my decision seems to be the right one for me, for now.

I have progressed much farther than predicted and, even though I can't deny that I have more than just a little doubt at times that I have pushed hard enough and long enough, I am out of energy to keep on doing so. Perhaps part of my issue is also the "never good enough syndrome". I am where I am right now, searching for a way to find meaning for the rest of my life and trying to find balance between my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

My hope is that this is the right decision for me. I choose to operate on that premise now.

2009-03-26T02:10:00.003-05:00

The pessimist complains about the wind;The optimist expects it to change;And the realist adjusts the sails. -William Arthur Ward

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I believe that sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. -Garrison Keillor
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Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind

Cannot bear very much reality.

Time past and time future

What might have been and what has been

Point to one end, which is always present.
-TS Eliot

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It's d`ej`a vu all over again! -Yogi Berra

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A violent wind does not outlast the morning; a squall of rain does not outlast the day. Such is the course of Nature. And if Nature herself cannot sustain her efforts long, how much less can man! -Lao-Tzu
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The soul is pure when it leaves the body and drags nothing bodily with it, by virtue of having no willing association with the body in life but avoiding it.......Practicing philosophy in the right way is a training to die easily. -Socrates

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Rain, rain, go away...and stay gone...

2009-03-25T00:27:00.006-05:00

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it. -George Carlin

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-The only way to escape the abyss is to look at it, gauge it, sound it out and descend into it.
-Cesare Pavese

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Perhaps I'm just tired...Book Club tonight...forced myself to attend. I probably would not have gone if I was not responsible for the selection review. It was nice to see everyone and to drive there so I could sit in my electric chair. It takes so much energy, time and effort to make even the simpilest trip...I think I'm tired...back home to my bed...I have met the enemy and the enemy is me...

2009-03-22T22:58:00.003-05:00

Now the standard cure for one who is sunk is to consider those in actual destitution or physical suffering—this is an all-weather beatitude for gloom in general and fairly salutary day-time advice for everyone. But at three o’clock in the morning the cure doesn’t work—and in a real dark night of the soul it is always three o’clock in the morning, day after day.

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

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It is not hard to live through a day, if you can live through a moment. What creates despair is the imagination, which pretends there is a future, and insists on predicting millions of moments, thousands of days, and so drains you that you cannot live the moment at hand.
-André Dubus

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Doom and gloom morning...my back feels twisted, legs spastic, headache, and ears itching miserably. Took forever to get out of bed. Back burning, pins and needles both legs, stiff and heavy lower legs...if I lie ever so still and breathe into my back and legs, I can imagine the discomfort away and pretend it's not there. If I move the reminders return. Have to get up and move even if the back burning, leg spasms, heavy legs return. Work on what needs to be done. Reward at the end of the day, first shopping trip in my SUV. Discomforts remain, but the satisfaction of a new accomplishment distracts in the moment. Perhaps tomorrow will be a more comfortable day. I'll drive myself to pool therapy and can stop wherever I want...who knows...freedom distraction from the discomforts.

2009-03-20T01:33:00.006-05:00

Well, new car was towed to local dealer today (ALREADY!). Good news, the battery was dead. When the service truck came this morning, he inadvertantly put the jumper cables on backwards and blew a fuse. I think the fuse was already blown. Battery is now recharged. I'm curious about why the battery in this vehicle has already been changed out with the odometer at 70 miles. Think I'll be calling the Honda dealer in Michigan to find out. As they hauled my SUV away, I had a little pity party, took a nap, and watched a funny movie "My Mother's New Boyfriend" with Antonio Bandera and Meg Ryan. Bandera was hot as ever and Ryan has had some facework done that does not look good at all. She's still pretty as usual but looks like she's had some injections to plump up her lips and smile lines around her mouth. I know this is the LA thing to do, but some women (and I think Meg Ryan would have been one of them) age beautifully without plastics. Well, tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day, so I plan to try to drive again. I could use some of that Irish luck tomorrow! I just discovered the coolest thing about my new laptop. In addition to the fingerprint logon feature, it has a built in voice recognition software. All I have to get is a bluetooth headset and go through the tutorial and voice recognition training for the software. That is so cool! I was thinking about adding Dragon to my laptop, but I'll definitely try this first!!!
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"It's OK to cry...crying gets the mad out of you." Free To Be You and Me video
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"I cannot bear it!" said the pewter soldier. "I have shed pewter tears! It is too melancholy! Rather let me go to the wars and lose arms and legs! It would at least be a change. I cannot bear it longer! Now, I know what it is to have a visit from one's old thoughts, with what they may bring with them! I have had a visit from mine, and you may be sure it is no pleasant thing in the end; I was at last about to jump down from the drawers." -Hans Christian Andersen

2009-03-19T06:14:00.005-05:00

Some praise the Lord for light,
The living spark;

I thank God for the Night

The healing dark.
-Robert William Service, "Weary", first lines

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Well, it is 6AM, another night given up willingly to insomnia. The birds are singing their morning songs, my tummy is rumbling and hungry. I spent this night adding more pieces to the puzzle of my life. I watched the depositions of Dr. O and Dr. A about me, my disability, my projected progress, and the permanence of my wheelchair "fixture". I learned some new things that were quite interesting, that I was barely an incomplete SCI when I was admitted to Spain and that damage to the sacral nerves are the determinant for this classification. I also learned that the prediction of outcome is based on the 72 hour classification. I understand clearly now why Dr. O is so adament that I am cognitively impaired...she disrespects nurses and thinks "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing" and that I rationalize any cognitive issues as being related to the buttload of medications I was on in the hospital. How dare I challenge her judgement!!! (Never mind the hypersedated "coma" caused by too much baclofen in combo with all of the other medications - the time I was sent for an MRI to r/o a stroke!) She did utter a backdoor compliment by saying that I was the most improved C5, ASIA B patient she remembered treating - from a "barely incomplete ASIA B to an ASIA D. Dr. A stated one fact that is obvious to me - that I overestimate what I am capable of doing. That is true, but how would I ever find my limits if I did not attempt to push beyond what others think I am supposed to be able to do statistically? It was interesting to see and hear. Now i'm going to review my life care plan - for curiosity's sake. I watched my "Day in the Life" DVD again also. All part of the process of putting the past to rest...

2009-03-18T22:57:00.007-05:00

NEW CAR BLUES!!!!!

Ever anxiously open a Christmas gift only to find that it needs batteries and there are none in the house? or that it is broken? Well, that's today's experience! Decided to go for a drive in my new SUV to the movie theater. Got my wheelchair positioned correctly, transferred into the driver's seat, put the key in the ignition and it wouldn't start - only clicked and indicated that the passenger door was not closed. I managed to get out of the vehicle, but was not sure if doors would close. Driver's window didn't go back up. Got back in car from driver side and turned the ignition enough to roll the window up. Called the dealer from FMI. Mike believes that it is a battery issue. We'll see...they're sending someone out in the morning to look at it and check the battery. Of course the first thing I think is that I have done something wrong - where does that come from??? Of course, I have not done anything wrong! This SUV should not be that fragile!!! I really hope I'm able to drive it tomorrow. Think I'll go to the pool and exercise on my own if it's ok. Hope it's the battery and that's it!!! Patience Carla...

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"Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue." -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

2009-03-15T03:15:00.003-05:00

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. -Robert Louis Stevenson
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If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of the mind! The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of the universe, the speculum of all creation.
-Chuang Tzu
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The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. -Frederick Buechner

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The sky smiles...today better than yesterday. I did get a chance to open my SUV and look it over a bit. Tomorrow I will probably drive Haley to Walmart so she can get her battery installed correctly. She left her lights on and her car would not start even with a jump. She had it towed to the store close to us. Feeling better now that I actually was able to see the inside of the Element.

2009-03-13T19:11:00.005-05:00

"Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results, but on the value, the rightness, the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, it is the reality of personal relationship that saves everything." -Thomas Merton
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Friday the 13th. Tricadecaphobia for many, but not me. I'm remembering the children's story about the wolf and the grapes. The wolf is under a tree with grapes hanging just out of reach, after trying to get the grapes by jumping and jumping. He imagined how sweet and juicy they would taste. After trying as hard as he could, the grapes remained out of reach.

I'm sitting at home in my wheelchair, looking out the window at my newly delivered SUV. It's too rainy to try to open the door and look inside, so I am just looking at my new transportation and telling myself that I can't drive it anyway...just like the wolf told himself that the grapes were probably sour and bitter when he could not find a way to reach them.

2009-03-10T15:23:00.004-05:00

Just finished reading a book on grieving entitled And Not One Bird Stopped Singing: Coping With Transition and Loss in Aging by Doris Moreland Jones. The title of the book is what caught my attention. How true it is that transitions, loss, and tragedies in our lives go unnoticed by the universe. Life goes on as usual even though, for those touched by the event, it seems to stand still.

I will never forget the surreal experience when my oldest daughter called from the pediatric emergency room to tell me that her seven week old baby, my grandson, had died. My youngest daughter and I were in a department store buying items for the house we were moving into that week. In that instant, our world stopped, sucked into singular focus on this impossible happening. We drove to the hospital, my youngest asking "what happened mommy?" through her sobs. "I don't know, sweetheart, I don't know."

The world outside our family did not stop or even slow down and, just like this book's title, not one bird stopped singing...
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Grief is the agony of an instant, the indulgence of grief the blunder of a life. -Benjamin Disraeli

2009-03-01T21:54:00.005-06:00

When I no longer thrill to the first snow of the season, I'll know I'm growing old. -Lady Bird Johnson

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Snowflakes against black, each one created to be unique and transient. Look closely to glimpse the tiny miracle before it melts to water the earth...out of darkness a tiny sparkle of light. -CS

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The ultimate depression test! Lady Bird Johnson reflects my thoughts succinctly. A light dusting of snow covered the ground this morning. Haley ran outside to gather a handful of perfect moist snowball making snow and ran to my room to pelt me with her prize. I asked her to open my blinds to see the snow. I am usually so excited to see snow and would get out of bed fast to throw the first snowball. Sad to say that I did not really even care. I tried to conjure up some internal excitement, but it wasn't there. I tried to fake it by getting into my chair and gathering a small snowball to wake Haley from her short return to sleep before work. My aim was too good. I managed to hurl the snowball directly into her face and she didn't laugh. Oh, well I tried to do what I could to cover up my sadness. I cannot seem to motivate myself to get anything started or accomplished. So much to be done that a starting point eludes me...

2009-03-01T02:01:00.003-06:00

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm. -Robert Louis Stevenson
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When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard. I have deeply appreciated the times that I have experienced this sensitive, empathic, concentrated listening. -Carl R. Rogers, Experiences in Communication
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The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. -Peter Drucker
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I have been wondering about when and why the lesson learned in my accident has so suddenly been lost to a feeling of melancholy? I do have to say that I prefer enjoyment of each day, looking forward to the people I might meet and the stories that I might hear or talents observed. I remember riding the public transportation wheelchair accessible vans, never being able to anticipate who would be riding.

The difference between the transportation in the small town where I live now and in the neighboring city is the variety of people riding the vans, In this smaller town, rides are only provided for people going to doctors' appointments, some kind of therapy or jobs. In the larger city, passengers might be going shopping or to a movie, or to visit a friend. I looked forward each day to the unexpected.

One day I rode with a woman who appeared quite ordinary. I commented on a ring she was wearing and, when she told me about it, I detected an accent, perhaps Irish or Scottish. When I asked about her accent, she told me that it was Scottish with a proper British English undertones. She began sharing stories of travel all over the world. This very ordinary appearing woman had an extraordinary life, most notable to me was that she had been hired by the Royal Family of Tibet to teach their young childred proper British English and proper British etiquette in preparation for Queen Elizabeth's coronation. She knew the family members who had been slain during the attack on the Tibetin Royal Family in the palace by Chinese revolutionaries.

Another day, I was seranaded by a ninty two year old man who used to sing in a barbershop quartet. He told me he had been going to old folks homes homes to sing for the residents. Later that day, I talked with a young woman who was from the same state where I grew up. She seemed to have Asperger's autism and was a savant at counting and keeping an accurate count of cars that drove by according to their colors while she was in conversation with me.

I've heard stories of other's lives, where they came here from and why, shared funny happenings or simply small talk about where they were going on that day. I loved to listen to these people and learn about their diverse backgrounds. If nothing else, I enjoyed sitting outside listening to the birds and the wind in the pines, watching airplanes fly overhead, or saying hi to a neighbor walking their dog.

I don't know where this piece of me has gone. I want to sort it out and find me again...the me with the quiet and peaceful mind, aware of each passing moment and able to relax, smile and know deep down inside that no matter what, everything will be as it should be and I can count on it!

2009-02-26T02:39:00.003-06:00

Just when I'm thinking I've hit rock bottom, my friend blocks the fall with a movie clip that brightens the most dismal day. I love you Nanc! Thanks for the safety net! Tried to upload it, but it must be an oversized file. Click on the URL below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM

2009-02-25T00:04:00.003-06:00

Mornings

Awaken or not, daily, sometimes tortured choice
Who’s in charge of direction?
Pull the covers over your head, shrinking the world
To a manageable size, block out the light, chaos, noise
Or, open your eyes to the day, noting your thoughts
As they float by, one by one, remembering,
They are just thoughts, we determine the meaning,
Their power in our day, in our story.
Today, the world shrinking won for much needed rest,
Or so I rationalize, sleeping away another day,
Scolding myself at each point of wakefulness for failure, avoidance,
Refusal to confront and tackle, forgoing self-care,
Medications not taken, nourishment avoided,
Cleaning necessity procrastination, catheter issue - again
The small seem larger than life and large impossible
Remembering to note and label these thoughts,
Letting them go, blocking their role as part of the story
We tell of today, promising ourselves that tomorrow
Will be a new day, sarcastic echo, really? We’ll see…

Carla Steinbuchel
2/24/2009

2009-02-24T01:44:00.002-06:00

Fedex tried to deliver one of my settlement checks to the wrong address Saturday. I stayed home the entire day waiting for delivery and finally decided to call at about 3PM to find out why it had not been delivered. Good thing I checked. The delivery person could not read the address, so, rather than call the sender to verify the address, they just guessed what it was. Wonder what would have happened if I had not called?

I called about a medical bill that I received from a doctor only to call the insurance company and discover that it was filed incorrectly. Next a call to the doctor's office asking them to resubmit the claim so it can be paid appropriately. Another call to a collection agency regarding a bill for a test that I don't even recall getting a statement for and have no idea what the test was. I just paid it over the phone and was given yet another number to call to find out what test I was paying for.

So many decisions and things to take care of...no wonder my mind has trouble shutting down. Cancelled pool therapy again today. This is the only day available with Haley's class schedule to pick up her car. Made a last minute decision to keep her current car rather than use as a trade-in. A second check of the Kelly Blue Book prices on the one we're purchasing reassured me that the deal is solid - below the recommended retail price and the added security of being a certified vehicle with a clean carfax and autocheck report. On the other hand, the trade-in value is markedly below what it should be. I don't even want to know all of this stuff! I need a clone!!!

It is 2AM and tomorrow is my last land therapy day. I planned to take something special to them, but there is just no way...I'm not going to book club tomorrow night, cancelled lunch with a friend. I think I would like to join Puxatawney Phil and retreat back into hibernation. Keep smilin' - tomorrow (today) is a new day!!!

2009-02-22T22:34:00.005-06:00

Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens. -Arthur Gordon
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"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely."
-Carl Gustav Jung
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"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses." -Carl Gustav Jung, Psychological Reflections
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Acceptance is definitely a process rather than a singular event. Personally, I believe the degree of difficulty is multifactorial. The journey winds between placing one foot in front of the other, doing what you can do, a whirlwind of activity and varying degrees of support, to a plateau of recovery as different as each person. When the flurry of activity, denial's best friend, slows down and allows the unconscious momentary access to awareness, snipets or flashes of "what is" show up when least expected. Brief moments occur that scream, "this is it!", this is what remains of what was.

While I'm still very busy (denying) wrapping up physical therapy, legal issues, buying a converted vehicle, considering plans for an accessible home, replacing my daughter's car with a newer model, sleep has become elusive once more. Sleep means dreams with denial stripped away. Dreams of trying to find my way through maze like rooms, not able to keep up or practice my profession. Lost and searching. Frustrating dreams. Better to not have them and awaken disturbed than to stay awake and busy, busy, busy.

Clouds have rolled in, hovering above, dulling perceptions, numbing. The distance between denial and reality is narrowing. Early mornings, particularly after a night of spastic muscle contractions, are the most difficult. Looking at the wheelchair by my bed, I realize that I'm facing another day of the same. Sometimes, I have a brief moment in the morning after awakening, warm and relaxed, after a spasm free sleep, with brief glimpses of "what was" and smile. I close my eyes, enjoying the memory, then I look at the sunlight streaming in across the seat of my wheelchair and I remember the truth...after three years of concentrating on what I am able to do, I'm beginning to catch glimpses of what has been lost.
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"Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself." - Sean McGuire's statement to Will Hunting, from movie Good Will Hunting

2009-02-04T17:45:00.003-06:00

Phil Says Six More Weeks!
Phil's official forecast as read February 2nd, 2009 at sunrise at Gobbler's Knob:
Hear Ye Hear Ye
On Gobbler's Knob this glorious Groundhog Day, February 2nd, 2009
Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of all Prognosticators
Awoke to the call of President Bill Cooper
And greeted his handlers, Ben Hughes and John Griffiths
After casting a joyful eye towards thousands of his faithful followers,
Phil proclaimed that his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers were World Champions one more time
And a bright sky above me
Showed my shadow beside me.
So 6 more weeks of winter it will be.

----------------------------------------------

Feels like it today!!! Cold outside!!! Low tonight 17 - brrrrrr...and I hibernated for twelve hours. Totally ridiculous waste of a day. Too cold to ride my chair to the store for groceries, so guess if a day must be wasted, this is ok. I was lost in a strange dreamland, warm and snuggly under the covers with Rebel curled around my feet. Too much is happening to keep up with it all. Guess my brain decided that a wasted day was better than another day of frustration. Back to life now. Scavenge for some food, do more laundry, etc., etc...CH died yesterday. She suffered a complete CSI about the same time that I did and has been in a nursing home since then. I have no right to feel sorry for myself when I look at what she has suffered through. And then there is JR. Where do I fit in this world. I'm running out of external "fixes". Will have to accept "what is" very soon. Maybe today was a respite from that hovering glimpse of reality awareness. Jamie is on her cruise - day 4. Hope she's having a great time and enjoying the warm!

2009-02-02T06:38:00.007-06:00

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Happy Groundhog Day!!! I wonder if Punxsutawney Phil will see his shadow today??? Early Spring or late???

2009-01-11T10:54:00.006-06:00

"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some" -Charles Dickens

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"Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -Buddha

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"In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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"We count our miseries carefully, and accept our blessings without much thought."

-Chinese Proverb

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Gratitude is a practice that is so easily overlooked or taken for granted, however, when one begins considering every act of kindness experienced, there are so many opportunities to be grateful that it is overwhelming. I am a living, breathing example of someone who is the holder of more blessings than be counted. For each and every person who helped me and my family over three years ago after a car accident left me paralyzed and in critical condition, in an unfamiliar city, among strangers, I will forever be grateful. Because I would not know where to begin, I pray a prayer of thanksgiving that I hope in some way blesses everyone who was involved. The legal proceedings are over and I am so relieved...

2009-01-07T10:00:00.013-06:00

" A dream becomes a goal when action is taken toward its achievement." -Bo Bennett

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"Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions." -Edgar Cayce

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"Nothing is as real as a dream. The world can change around you, but your dream will not. Responsibilities need not erase it. Duties need not obscure it. Because the dream is within you, no one can take it away." -Tom Clancy

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"Somehow I can't believe that there are any heights that can't be scaled by a man who knows the secrets of making dreams come true. This special secret, it seems to me, can be summarized in four C s. They are curiosity, confidence, courage, and constancy."

-Walt Disney

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"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." -Johann von Goethe

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"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." -Carl Gustav Jung

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"All (wo)men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous (wo)men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible."
-Thomas Edward Lawrence (of Arabia)

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Dreams - dreams make all things possible; vision comes from dreams; dreaming requires action; dreams are from within, from the heart, and cannot be taken away from the outside; dangerous dreamers (to the status quo) are those who act on their dreams with eyes wide open...

The overriding theme that I hear when when reading about dreamers is that dreams create visions of possibility for now and the future, and that dreams make all things possible. A theme of encouragement that the heart needs to feel to persevere, believe in possibility, and patiently work to turn dreams into attainable goals.

As a dreamer who believes in creating vision and intent to achieve that which seems impossible, it is very difficult to entertain the thought that some dreams must be let go. Letting go feels akin to loss, something very familiar and often uncomfortable. I wonder if a dreamer could open her heart and mind to the concept that letting go of a dream creates space for a new possibility, perhaps one never considered...maybe a new dream more wonderful than imaginable in the confines of a single human mind.

Is it possible to truly "let go and let God"? I'm reminded of C. S. Lewis' observation that "There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way'." After all, control is an illusion, a illusion of necessity for dreamers who must "have their way". Food for thought...

Why have I journeyed down this pathway of thought today? A suggestion was made this week that ran contrary to my perception of personal identity. It was suggested that I consider moving to an assisted living facility and reconsider my adamant desire for an accessible vehicle of my own. My response to this idea was, at first, one of curiosity and listening to the rationale for such a recommendation. However, as I tossed and turned sleeplessly considering the pros and cons of this lifestyle change, I recognized an unmistakable sense of panic and resistance to the idea that bordered on the precipice of anger that such a suggestion could even be entertained. "How dare he..." came to mind, a marker, for me, of loss of independence and self-control, accompanied by that old trust issue raising it's ugly head!

I know that these suggestions are a reasonable possibility for me in the future, but I was certainly not ready to hear them now. Not now, when I still have not given up my dream of walking and living somewhat independently. I observed myself slipping into an "if only" mode of thinking. "If only" I could finally get that exercise mat and "if only" I could get that para ladder, everyone could relax about the possibility of me falling and not being able to get back into my wheelchair without help. I could show them that I can manage this issue on my own.

This must be the same process of thinking that many others must overcome as their disabled and aging bodies or slipping mental capacities betray them and make such changes necessary. How is it that some people are able to make these changes gracefully and with a positive spirit of gratitude? Obviously, I have a long way to go in this land of lost dreams, this journey of reframing loss into the realm of new possibility and hope!

"Let the dream go. Are there not other dreams

In vastness of clouds hid from thy sight

That yet shall gild with beautiful gold gleams,

And shoot the shadows through and through with light?

What matters one lost vision of the night?

Let the dream go!" ...
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "Let Them Go"

2009-01-02T03:09:00.003-06:00

"Fall seven times, stand up eight." - Japanese Proverb
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New Beginnings - Happy New Year 2009...

2008 vanished in a seeming instant. Will 2009 be the same? Several events are converging this month. I hope that the dullness and lack of focus and detatchment I feel now will evaporate with resolution and renewal of purpose. Until then, limbo prevails...

2008-12-28T09:45:00.005-06:00

"The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort -- the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing -- the opening a wonderfully joyous moment." - Andy Rooney

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"None of us has the perfect family. Families include people with all sorts of difficulties - alcohol or drugs, crime and prison, people who don't talk to each other; families who had to leave home for work. Joseph and Mary had their family difficulties - their child could have been killed by the mad King Herod, and they couldn't go home for fear of him; Joseph died leaving Mary a widow, and Jesus was murdered in front of his mother. The holy family know what family life is about, in its good and loving times, and its bad times, and our faith is a support to family life. Pray this day for your family, living and dead." Sacred Space, 12/28/2008

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August 23, 1930 - December 14, 2008 Dolores Mae Jacobs Jansson

Born in Deerfield, Kansas; Died in Wichita, Kansas

Married on February 28, 1948 to Conrad Vernon Jansson in Harper, Kansas

7 children, 11 grandchildren, 6 great grandchildren

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My hope for today is that mom is in heaven, smiling, breathing easily, and pain-free, as she looks down over us and recognizes the touches of good that she left in this world. Mom was so tired of hurting and being sick. I hope, also, that she saw how many lives she touched. There were so many people at her funeral and uncountable others who wanted to be there but could not get through the weather to do so. Wichita was shivering under at least six inches of beautiful white snow...beautiful to me, that is, not so much to others who experience snowfall every winter.

Mom's service as very nice, a mix of dad's memories, traditional music, and scripture. Mom's picture sat beside her ashes on the altar, a photograph that I had never seen. It was one of dad's favorites - mom is laughing, with an ear to ear smile beneath her pure white, thick, curly hair. On the backside of this photo, hidden from view of the attendees, was the first picture in my blog of mom at age 17 - a formal studio photo. Two photographs spanning the lifetime of mom and dad's marriage of 60 years.

As I listened to mom's euology, I wondered if I had known her at all. So many things that I did not know about mom that I started to question whether they were true. In reality, it does not matter. How is it possible to summarize seventy eight years of life, sixty years of marriage, seven children, eleven grandchildren, and six great grandchildren in a few paragraphs? We each have our own memories of who mom is to us.

I remembered how I almost missed one of the most precious events in my youngest

daughter's life by questioning reality. Haley was standing in front of her favorite painting at the High Museum of Art, Vincent Van Gough's "Starry Night". She was totally in the moment with this beautiful original painting, breathless and teary-eyed.

I was questioning the painting's authenticity, compared to the painting I had seen in New York at the Museum of Modern Art. It seemed that the size was different. Thank goodness I caught my judgmental, "my reality is reality" self before I missed the real magic of the moment - Haley's precious reaction to seeing the painting that she loved so much right before her, within an arm's length.

Seeing that view through her eyes while observing her reaction taught me a valuable lesson. Mystical, transient, intimate moments can be lost, crowded out by needing to be right. I am glad I remembered this lesson, finally, as I replayed mom's euology in my mind afterwards, realizing the gift of a glimpse of my dad's eye view of his life partner. This is a lesson that I must never lose.

2008-11-30T09:23:00.005-06:00

The first Sunday of Advent. I wanted to go to church today, but kept running into obstacle after obstacle. Decided to sit outside in the fresh, crisp air and have my own private service. Contemporary Christian music on my ipod, the row of pine trees brhind our apartment, and the silence of early morning while others sleep. It was perfect for today. I miss being part of my church. Today is a bit of a sad one for me...feeling ungrateful in spite of my good fortune and blessings. I have lost something precious that can never be recaptured no matter how hard I work to do so.

Mary's main preparation was adjusting to the unexpected and unwished-for (this observation certainly spoke to me today...)

2008-11-29T15:53:00.006-06:00

Luke 21:34-36 (New International Version)
34"Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with dissipation, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you unexpectedly like a trap. 35For it will come upon all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 36Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man." Sacred Space, November 29, 2008
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"The most spiritual men, as the strongest, find their happiness where others would find their destruction: in the labyrinth, in hardness against themseleves and others, in experiments. Their joy is self-conquest. Difficult tasks are a priviledge to them; to play with burdens that crush others, a recreation. They are the most venerable kind of man: that does not preclude their being the most cheerful and the kindliest." -Friedrich Nietzsche
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"Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter." -Friedrich Nietzsche
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Dissipation. Mental distraction, amusement, diversion. The easier road to travel. Even laughter can fill the bill. On a day when emotional and mental spiral down takes center stage, it is natural to seek a distraction to distance and numb reality. Sometimes, it's a survival strategy to hoist oneself out of bed and begin the day - the same day, over and over. Perhaps something will spark enthusiasm once posture change has occurred and a different eye view is seen. Reconnection with the present, not past nor future...

2008-11-27T01:40:00.003-06:00

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck

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Thanksgiving. A day to take the time to reflect on the abundance and blessings in our lives, that is, if one can hear the quiet above the deafening, constant din of chatter, giggles, and chaos of family get-togethers. Energizing for some and draining for others, depending somewhat on personal style preferences. Maintaining periodic reconnection with family is important. I often wonder if there are any quiet, calm families out there? Reminds me of the contrast in families in the movie, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". I watched this movie earlier in the week. Wonder if it was timed to coincide with the beginning of holiday family get-togethers? It is certainly a good choice!!! Lara, Narhan, and Adia just left after an early "mini-Christmas" gift exchange for Cara and Cara from North Carolina. Gift giving and cookie baking and decoration kept the evening in a swirl of activity. Now they have gone and it is SO quiet...prelude to a full day to come.

2008-11-21T14:01:00.004-06:00

"I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day." Erma Bombeck, If I Had My Life To Do Over

----------

I'm taking Erma's advice!!! I have been knocked flat by this respiratory bug that's going around! Haley has been sick for 4 weeks and I have been for a little over 2 weeks. Decided after pool therapy on Monday that I was going to have to return to the rest mode I was in over the weekend. Laryngitis for four days - that's a new record for me. It is not easy to just let go and allow oneself be sick, however, guess that's what is required to get better sometimes. Still feeling really crummy today. It's cold outside and I'm staying inside in my pajamas snuggled up with Rebel. I really don't want to develop pneumonia. I was supposed to get a flu shot today, but guess it will have to wait.

2008-11-14T21:48:00.011-06:00

"Slump, and the world slumps with you. Push, and you push alone."

-Laurence J. Peter
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"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers

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The heights by great men reached and kept

Were not obtained by sudden flight,

But they, while their companions slept,

Were toiling upward in the night
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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"Contrary to what we usually believe . . . the best moments in our lives, are not the passive, receptive, relaxing times--although such experiences can also be enjoyable, if we have worked hard to attain them. The best moments usually occur when a person's body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile."- Mihaly Csikszentmihalvi,, Flow:The Psychology of Optimal Experience [1990], Chapter 1

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"We aim above the mark to hit the mark." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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If the quotes above are true, then today has been non-productive. I'm sitting near the window in my wheelchair listening to the rain. I do love that sound. I have been immobilized today - at a standstill, attributable only to myself. I've accomplished almost nothing today. Finished a few little chores this morning, but have not even gotten dressed. Still wearing my pajamas. I've been out of my chair twice - once to stand at the kitchen counter briefly to wash some bowls (to avoid straining my arms and back by twisting over the sink from my chair) and the second time to take a bowl of hot brown rice out of the overhead microwave in the kitchen (to avoid burning myself on the hot bowl). I find myself in this spot often on Fridays. Slug mode...guess it's kind of appropriate with the cool rain outside creating a perfect slug habitat.

Haley and I have been on cleaning jags at two different times this week. We finally caught up on the mound of laundry in the laundry room. I started the process Tuesday, washing and folding...washing and folding...changing my bed linens on Wednesday - a 30 minute process with my stander next to the bed. Today, Haley washed & dried laundry while she cleaned her room. I folded laundry to stay out of her way. I caught up dishes this morning while Haley went to the doctor. So, I guess I have done something today. Just feels like I've parked in my room with the TV on this afternoon.

Our rhythms seem to evolve from our activity patterns. Haley had her last tests this week before finals. Everything is placed on hold when school work is in priority one spot...clothing dropped where removed; books, computer, and study notes scattered across the living room floor. I had Tuesday and Wednesday at home, so those were my days. I was at a meeting last night until almost 9PM, so went to bed late and awakened early to help Haley get to doc on time. Excuses...excuses...oh, well, it is what it is! I'll be Scarlet O'Hara..."for, after all, tomorrow will be another day"...or Annie when she sings "...the sun will come up tomorrow..."

Haley is spending the night with Ali. She and Ali are helping with their high school sorority's induction of new members at Lee, then going to a fraternity bachelor auction fundraiser at UAH. Ali's home from Auburn for the weekend. So, Rebel & I are here for the night. Reb is as lazy as I feel today. My throat has been getting more sore as the day has gone on. Probably sinuses. Anna is getting married tomorrow in Birmingham. Haley & I are going to the wedding. We are going to the Marriott Sunday, I'm going to watch the bridal fashion show and Haley is going to model several outfits. Busy, busy weekend - precursor to a busy next week.

Hmmm...guess my mind & body are wise...resting up for the busy days ahead.

2008-11-10T01:44:00.005-06:00

Falling. Consider this action verb from the context meaning to the observer of one who falls. If a toddler falls, we consider it a natural part of learning to walk, make light of the plop to the floor, and encourage the child to try again with exclamations of praise for each attempt. When a differently abled or frail elderly person falls, we respond from the perspective of fear, learned over time, from stories about those who have fallen and hurt themselves. There are no cheers or "oopsie daisies". The role of expected consequences or sequale colors our responses. I wonder if these messages might influence the outcome in each situation? As an older woman with a spinal cord injury, I see falls as an expected part of learning to walk again. It feels like being a toddler, wobbley at times, listening for the "uh oh" but instead, hearing "are you all right?", "are you hurt?", "can I help", "is anything broken?" I choose, instead to remember that I've done this before, go limp, and let it happen. and, to listen to the toddler within leave expectations as they are ... an inevitable part of (re) learning to walk. I sometimes have to make my own cheers as I get up and try again and again. I choose to not live in fear.

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"Life is so constructed that an event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation."
-Charlotte Bronte

“For, he that expects nothing shall not be disappointed, but he that expects much - if he lives and uses that in hand day by day - shall be full to running over.” -Edgar Cayce

2008-11-08T15:32:00.004-06:00

RELAX!!! This is the name of my game today! I was so tired after the video shoot yesterday that I fell straight into bed when I got home from the pool and slept until 7AM - about 12 hours! Today I feel like I've had a great workout that was good enough to last for two days. Relaxation has been my mode. No damage remains from my fall yesterday. Dodged the bullet again. I appreciate all of the kindness and patience extended yesterday when I moved slower and slower as the day progressed. This baby demonstrates my ideal depth of real relaxation. Ahhhhh...

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"Nothing happens by itself... it all will come your way, once you understand that you have to make it come your way, by your own exertions." -Ben Stein

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"Image creates desire. You will what you imagine." -J. G. Gallimore

2008-11-04T17:13:00.005-06:00

DON'T FORGET - voting is a privilege - DON'T FORGET - our freedom of choice - DON'T FORGET - honor democracy and exercise your right to VOTE...

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Had the chance to visit Books-a-Million after voting. Felt like I was back in the late 70s and early 80s! New editions of books that were popular at that time were on the shelf. It was interesting! Had to buy Edward's updated edition (see my bookshelf) "Drawing on the Right Side of Your Brain". Exciting day today. Praying intentionally for change!!!

2008-11-02T14:41:00.004-06:00

"To him whom contemplates a trait of natural beauty, no harm nor despair can come. The doctrines of despair, spiritual or political servitude, were never taught by those who shared the serenity of Nature. For each phase of Nature, though not invisible, is yet not too distinct or obtrusive. It is there to be found when we look for it, but not too demanding of our attention." -Henry David Thoreau

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"Mourning is not forgetting... It is an undoing. Every minute tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust. The end is gain, of course. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be made strong, in fact. But the process is like all other human births, painful and long and dangerous."
-Margery Allingham, The Tiger in the Smoke, 1956
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There's no use in weeping,

Though we are condemned to part:

There's such a thing as keeping

A remembrance in one's heart...
-Charlotte Bronte, Parting
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"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri Nouwen
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The leaves are turning with the cooler weather. Today's time change has ushered in a day of summer like temperatures - sunny and 74 degrees. I took Rebel outside and while I was waiting for him to complete his business, I heard an almost imperceptible sound. It was the sound of a leaf gliding on the wind currents from its attachment to a tree to its destiny as ground cover for the winter. As I watched the leaf soar between tree branches toward the ground, I realized that the leaf's journey parallels that of humanity. Today is a particularly down day for me, in spite of the beautiful color pallette before my eyes - akin to "The Great Sadness" described in Young's book, The Shack. Thank goodness for friends. Debra sent a You-tube link with a much needed message for today. The message can be summarized to say "get up when you are down and finish strong"...take a couple of minutes to view the clip - it is definitely worth it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2I0DRk8dFjI

2008-10-31T14:31:00.007-05:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW FOR SOME HALLOWEEN FUN...

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/ecards/view.pd?i=421179537&m=8070&rr=y&source=msne999

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Silly as it is, I have always liked Halloween. Combination of my favorite season and Kids in costume having fun. No gifts required, just a fun-loving time, especially for kids. Nathan and Adia are Trick or Treating with Lara and friends. They are going home with Wayne for the weekend - just like the last two weekends. Haley and her friend carved pumpkins and saved the seeds for me to bake. Pumpkin carving and seed roasting are one of our traditions. Haley is going out with her friends and going to a midnight movie dressed as Dorothy (not traditional - short, tiny little skirt!!!). She went to Rocky Horror @ Rennaisance last night and Cara went on a haunted bus ride in Asheville. The kids all love Halloween too. I'm home sick tonight watching Halloween movies. Will certainly be glad when this cold goes away! Haven't had a cold for years, so guess I'm due. I have my Halloween shirt all ready to go. Will keep it for next year.

Had a dream last night that gave me an idea for a Christmas gift for Mom and maybe Dad too - a photo quilt. I wonder if it would help her stay a little more oriented and give her caregivers a way to engage her in conversation? Not sure why I was even thinking about it...but I do think it might be a good idea. Have to decide whether to do this alone or make it a family project. We'll see...
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HALLOWEEN COMES TO AMERICA:

As European immigrants came to America, they brought their varied Halloween customs with them. Because of the rigid Protestant belief systems that characterized early New England, celebration of Halloween in colonial times was extremely limited there.

It was much more common in Maryland and the southern colonies. As the beliefs and customs of different European ethnic groups, as well as the American Indians, meshed, a distinctly American version of Halloween began to emerge. The first celebrations included "play parties," public events held to celebrate the harvest, where neighbors would share stories of the dead, tell each other's fortunes, dance, and sing. Colonial Halloween festivities also featured the telling of ghost stories and mischief-making of all kinds. By the middle of the nineteenth century, annual autumn festivities were common, but Halloween was not yet celebrated everywhere in the country.

In the second half of the nineteenth century, America was flooded with new immigrants. These new immigrants, especially the millions of Irish fleeing Ireland's potato famine of 1846, helped to popularize the celebration of Halloween nationally. Taking from Irish and English traditions, Americans began to dress up in costumes and go house to house asking for food or money, a practice that eventually became today's "trick-or-treat" tradition. Young women believed that, on Halloween, they could divine the name or appearance of their future husband by doing tricks with yarn, apple parings, or mirrors.

In the late 1800s, there was a move in America to mold Halloween into a holiday more about community and neighborly get-togethers, than about ghosts, pranks, and witchcraft.

For more information on Halloween, see the following URL:

http://www.history.com/minisites/halloween

2008-10-30T19:56:00.003-05:00

Passing the Purple Hat to You

IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer. Here is an 'angel' sent to watch over you.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (written after she found out she was dying from cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.'

There would have been more 'I love you's' More 'I'm sorry's.

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it …. live it and never give it back.

STOP SWE ATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

2008-10-26T17:56:00.001-05:00

For Some Halloween Fun - Click Here: Check out "MPR933.COM"
Fall is definitely in the air. Actually, we may soon have a little taste of winter - temps are predicted to fall to near freezing this week. Haley, Adia, and Cara have celebrated their Fall birthdays and Dad turned 80 in September. Read "Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence" by Matthew Sanford. What an amazing journey from my perspective. Another chronicle of triumph over tragedy. I read the entire book Saturday - could not put it down. I'm curious about how others have found a life of passion and meaning after a spinal cord injury. I'm also interested in yoga. The author has studied yoga extensively and teaches classes for both the able bodied and disabled in Minnesota. He also had a wisdom about his mind-body connection that led him to resist conventional medicine's "healing stories". He replaced them with his own life promoting, positive messages. A man after my own heart!
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"What we have inherited from our fathers and mothers is not all that 'walks in us.' There are all sorts of dead ideas and lifeless old beliefs. They have no tangibility, but they haunt us all the same and we can not get rid of them. Whenever I take up a newspaper I seem to see Ghosts gliding between the lines. Ghosts must be all over the country, as thick as the sands of the sea." -Henrik Ibsen, Ghosts (UAH is performing Ibsen's play "A Doll's House" this month)

2008-10-16T15:58:00.004-05:00

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Do not search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." --- Rainer Maria Rilke

“What is Yoga after all? Yoga is a practice of observing yourself without judgment. It is something that we experience inside, deep inside our being. We do it only for ourselves. We are both the observer and what is observed at the same time. The only authentic Yoga is the one that works for each person according to circumstances and needs, and there are many possibilities.” --- T.K.V. Desikachar’s book “The Heart of Yoga

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Our Adaptive Yoga class has dwindled to the point that the class had to be suspended for financial reasons. I'm going to read and continue learning about yoga and how to modify it for my body's capabilities.

2008-10-12T12:25:00.004-05:00

Made it to church today. Felt so good to be there! I finished listening to The Shack this morning. I may have to buy a hard copy as well because of the great quotes preceeding each chapter and to have it available to re-read portions as I want to do so. I love the depiction of the Trinity. I think it was the confusion created by the unexpected that began opening Mack's heart for change. Visit the link under my favorites for more information and sample the content to see what you think. For myself, this book is an example of the teacher arriving just as the student is ready. I am so happy I was able to get to Asbury today. Remember my statement of intention last week?!?

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Creation groans.

...the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth... Romans 8:22

Jesus weeps.

Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" John 11: 35-36

Heaven laughs.

The One who sits in heaven laughs; the Lord scoffs at the wicked. Psalm 2:4

God is glorified.

Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God? John 11:40

We are liberated.

...creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. Romans 8:21

2008-10-11T20:09:00.003-05:00

Just returned from a short trip to Atlanta with Haley. Cara met us there and we went to Agatha's Taste of Mystery dinner theater Thursday night to see "Annie Get Your Uzie". It was so fun and the show was cute. Haley played the part of Mae Western and did a great job! Cara & I were in the chorus. We were at a fun & friendly table with lots of interesting people. Friday we shopped at Atlantic Station, a new "lifestyle center" in Atlanta. They have just opened two stores we wanted to visit - H&M Clothing and IKEA (Scandinavian affordable furniture and interior design ideas). Our hotel was directly across the street from the 1996 Olympic torch. Hard to believe we were there for the games (women's gymnastics). Haley was 6 and Cara was 15. Haley is 19 and Cara is 28 now. Time certainly flies! Good memories for both of them. We took a picture with the torch in the background for both of them. I have always hoped that the girls have good memories and that we keep creating them together.

(H&M is where Haley & I shopped for the first time a year ago in Chicago!!! One year ago today we came home from Chicago and this is also the day I broke my ankle in the hotel.)

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Even if we are occupied with important things and even if we attain honor or fall into misfortune, still let us remember how good it once was here, when we were all together, united by a good and a kind feeling which made us perhaps better than we are.
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Brothers Karamazov

2008-10-05T16:51:00.007-05:00

I was reviewing possible books for our book club for
2009. I can't read another historical fiction novel. One of the books at the top of my list
was The Shack. So interesting! When I looked at Asbury's weekly bulletin for this week, I was so excited that I can read this book and listen to a related sermon series. That is why I am disappointed with myself today! I wanted to go to Asbury's contemporary service @ 7:30AM. Problem being that I needed to awaken @ 4:45-5AM to get ready to leave by 6:15AM for the hour long, three mile ride in my wheelchair. I didn't get to bed until 2AM. I can download the sermon for today and plan to attend next Sunday. I want to go to the earliest service because it is the service that I am least likely to run into anyone I know, plus it is so beautiful, quiet, and cool in the early morning. This is two Sundays in a row that I've flaked out because I'm so tired from staying up so late. I intend to obtain the book this week and get myself there next Sunday!!! Listen to this declaration Carla...

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If I were to say, "God, why me?" about the bad things, then I should have said, "God, why me?" about the good things that happened in my life. -Arthur Ashe

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BTW - I've decided to adopt Rhea's 50 page rule. What a great idea! Thanks, Rhea! (The rule is that if a book has not grabbed Rhea's attention by the time she has read 50 pages, she stops reading the book because her time is valuable and should not be wasted on a book that is not enjoyable.)

2008-10-03T14:27:00.004-05:00

"What was that?" I recall that momentary thought yesterday morning as I sat outside enjoying the crisp, cool Fall breeze while waiting for my ride to Huntsville. For one brief and wonderful minute, I felt the peace and excitement that used to arrive in my heart years ago as hot summer days gave way to the cool and colorful days of this season. The moment was fleeting, however, it let me know that it is possible to feel that way again. The last time I experienced the joy of Fall was in 2000, eight long years ago. Wonder if I can expand that moment with meditation and relagating the past eight years to the past, FINALLY, to clear the way for truly moving on with life?

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"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Matthew 11:28

2008-10-01T12:36:00.000-05:00

Fall is in the air!!! Beautiful today. Clear blue sky. Crispness outside this morning. Leaves are beginning to change. This is truly my favorite time of the year. I love the quiet of snow, but don't see much of that in the South. My hummingbirds are not feeding any longer. I suspect they have started the flight to Central America. I wonder if the little hummer we saved is still alive? First day of October...where has the year gone?

Met another walking goal yesterday - 75 feet without stopping to rest. Five step ups also. New goal - 100 feet.
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"The roses under my window make no reference to former roses or better ones; they are what they are; they exist with God today. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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We think very little of time present; we anticipate the future, as being too slow, and with a view to hasten it onward, we recall the past to stay it as too swiftly gone. We are so thoughtless, that we thus wander through the hours which are not here, regardless only of the moment that is actually our own. -Blaise Pascal

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Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. -Carl Sandburg Time is not a line, but a series of now-points. -Taisen Deshimaru

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Time is too slow for those who wait

too swift for those who fear

too long for those who grieve,

too short for those who rejoice,

but for those who love,

time is eternity.

Hours fly,

flowers die,

new days,

new ways pass by,

Love stays. -

Henry Van Dyke, Katrina's Sun Dial
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October gave a party;

The leaves by hundreds came—

The Chestnuts, Oaks, and Maples,

And leaves of every name.

The Sunshine spread a carpet,

And everything was grand,

Miss Weatherled the dancing,

Professor Wind the band.-

George Cooper, “October's Party”

2008-09-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

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Received these great messages today by e-mail. Nice reminders! I found a converted 2005 Honda Element for sale by the original owner in Mobile, Alabama. Praying that I can work something out. This is exactly what I want for transportation and it's about half the price of other converted minivans and SUVs. Pray for me too, please!

2008-09-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

Interesting how The Beatles tapped into being human with their lyrics. Perhaps that is why they are timeless and remain as pertinent today as ever before. I have always had difficulty hearing lyrics of songs along with the music. However, these lyrics just popped out as I listened to the music Haley was playing as she got ready to go to school last week. These words so clearly express what I feel in my heart right now.
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Help, I need somebody,

Help, not just anybody,

Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody's help in any way.

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,

Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,

My independence seems to vanish in the haze.

But every now and then I feel so insecure,

I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,

I never needed anybody's help in any way.

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,

Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down

And I do appreciate you being round.

Help me, get my feet back on the ground,

Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

"Help" by The Beatles, 8/1/1965

2008-09-17T09:50:00.000-05:00

You could see Jesus' life as a struggle against sickness and death. He was a healer, and reached out to cure the pains that disabled people. He wanted them to forget about their bodies and feel fit to serve, like Simon Peter's mother-in-law, whom Jesus cured of a fever. Once her temperature dropped, she got up and made the tea. I have known people who would feel a headache coming on and would ‘offer up' the pain and continue talking about it. That is not the Christian way: better to take some medicine, forget about the headache and get on with the job. I knew an Ethiopian who had a sore shoulder and was urged to go to a doctor. Knowing the sort of medical care he might receive, he said, ‘Now I am a healthy man with a sore shoulder. If I go to a doctor I will be a sick man with a sore shoulder. No thank you.'Pain and sickness are obviously bad, something to be fought and resisted. Yet the Lord touches us through them. A time comes when we can no longer feel God's touch in prayer, but we sense how God is shaping us through our suffering. It is remarkable how many people find the grace to seek whatever help medicine can offer, and then to accept the remaining pain as the background of a peaceful existence - and without talking about it. Sacred Space, 9/17/2008

USA won Gold in wheelchair rugby!!! (See photo of wheelchair rugby team USA). Closing ceremony this AM. See final results below. Haley thinks it is weird that I'm so interested in the Paralympics now that I'm disabled. I wonder why too. Maybe part of the acceptance process. Perhaps identification or the possibility that life continues afterward, including ideas for physical activity that might be within grasp

Just had a bizarre thought...these games are named para (paralysis, paraplegia) lymp (limp??? LOL ;-)) ics. Wonder where the name came from? Probably from paraplegia and olympics - reflecting post war injured that were the first competitors in 1948.

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PARALYMPICS FINAL MEDAL UPDATE:
1 CHINA 89 GOLD 70 SILVER 52 BRONZE 211 TOTAL
2 GREAT BRITAIN 42 GOLD 29 SILVER 31 BRONZE 102 TOTAL
3 USA 36 GOLD 35 SILVER 28 BRONZE 99 TOTAL
4 AUSTRALIA 23 GOLD 29 SILVER 27 BRONZE 79 TOTAL
5 UKRAINE 24 GOLD 18 SILVER 32 BRONZE 74 TOTAL

2008-09-15T15:50:00.000-05:00

If you think this photo is sweet, view the youtube clip below for a few more warm fuzzies and smiles. What is the plural form of moose???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNy9jTeolUk

Looking for and enjoying beauty is a way to nourish the soul. the universe is in the habit of making beauty. There are flowers and songs, snowflakes and smiles, acts of great courage, laughter between friends, a job well done, the smell of fresh-baked bread. Beauty is everywhere. -Matthew Fox

One More Smile: http://www.smoothmarketplace.com/screencleaner.swf
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Paralympic Medal Update:
1 CHINA 80 GOLD 61 SILVER 49 BRONZE 190 TOTAL
2 GREAT BRITAIN 41 GOLD 27 SILVER 28 BRONZE 96 TOTAL
3 USA 33 GOLD 33 SILVER 27 BRONZE 93 TOTAL
4 AUSTRALIA 20 GOLD 26 SILVER 25 BRONZE 71 TOTAL
5 UKRAINE 23 GOLD 17 SILVER 29 BRONZE 69 TOTAL

2008-09-14T17:34:00.000-05:00

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Wheelchair Rugby - USA vs China, 9/12/08 - USA 65 - China 30
USA to semi-finals vs Great Britain
Australia to semi-finals vs Canada
Wheelchair Rugby Final Game, Tuesday, September 16 @ 6:55AM
URL: http://www.universalsports.com/mediaPlayer/media.dbml?&_MODE_=ONDEMAND&DB_MENU_ID=&SPSID=107828&SPID=13327&DB_OEM_ID=23000&CLIP_ID=137914&CLIP_FILE_ID=142581 CLICK ON "LIVE COVERAGE"
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Paralympic Medal Update (top 5 teams):
1 CHINA 63 GOLD 54 SILVER 42 BRONZE 159 TOTAL
2 GREAT BRITAIN 41 GOLD 23 SILVER 26 BRONZE 90 TOTAL
3 USA 30 GOLD 26 SILVER 24 BRONZE 80 TOTAL
4 AUSTRALIA 18 GOLD 26 SILVER 24 BRONZE 68 TOTAL
5 UKRAINE 20 GOLD 15 SILVER 24 BRONZE 59 TOTAL

2008-09-13T14:14:00.000-05:00

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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The photos above are from the 2008 Bejing Paralympic Games. The first photo is of the 213 paralympic atheletes from the USA. I wonder how many people in the United States are aware that we are being so well represented by such a large delegation of dedicated citizens?

The second photo is of a gold medal recipient for boccia and the third photo is an athlete participating in the boccia competition. Do you know what boccia (pronounced "botcha") is? I didn't. It is a precision sport of throwing leather balls that has no counterpart in the Olympic Games. It appears similar to horseshoes except played with balls thrown by the participant toward a target ball that is tossed first. The game is regulated by the Cerebral Palsy International Sport and Recreation Association and has been part of the Paralympics since 1984.

The last photo is of a 55 year old woman who is participating in her last Paralympic Games. She has experienced being a medal winner several times and has written two books about being positive about life regardless of your circumstances. It is interesting that there are not age restrictions like the minimum age of 14 requirement for participation in the Olympics. One of the table tennis atheletes was in her first Paralympic competition at the age of 11.

Looking forward to the wheelchair rugby competition (started in Canada and was called "Murderball" - see 2005 movie about this Paralympic sport - it is amazing). Canada took the gold in Athens and the USA is a top contender for the gold in Bejing. The USA team trains in Birmingham , Alabama and Denver, Colorado. A sidenote about the Canadian team...they have the first female team member. She is a 100# dynamo according to the article on the Paralympic Webcast, entitled, "Girl Power". I think the gold medal game is scheduled for Tuesday, the 16th at 8:30AM. See the Paralympic Webcast Link on the sidebar of this blog.

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PARALYMPIC MEDAL UPDATE:

1 - CHINA 52 GOLD 48 SILVER 34 BRONZE 134 TOTAL

2 - GREAT BRITAIN 38 GOLD 23 SILVER 24 BRONZE 85 TOTAL
3 - USA 26 GOLD 19 SILVER 22 BRONZE 67 TOTAL
4 - AUSTRALIA 16 GOLD 22 SILVER 22 BRONZE 60 TOTAL

5 - UKRAINE 19 GOLD 13 SILVER 21 BRONZE 53 TOTAL

2008-09-13T01:42:00.000-05:00

Patience is also a form of action. -Auguste Rodin

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Watching the landfall of hurricane Ike @ Galveston TX area. Interesting coverage. I have learned a lot from the hurricane expert on The Weather Channel. Not sure why this particular storm is of such interest to me.

Yesterday was spent waiting patiently as a hummingbird recovered from being stunned. Yoga was cancelled Wednesday. I was looking at a laid back day doing what I wanted to do. Haley found a little hummingbird lying outside of our door. She picked it up and placed it in a box with the request, "Mom, will you please watch the bird until I get home from school and can find a bird vet?"

In a moment my free day was converted from a lazy, do nothing day to bird nurse with a single, pleading request. Short report, the hummingbird survived and finally found the door! I frightened Haley's boyfriend away. I must have been a sight! Still in my pajamas, wild hair, rebel on a leash next to my wheelchair barking at the hummer flying in a circle around the doorway light, me holding a broom to keep the bird from flying back in the house, and Rebel attacking the broom when it was lowered. Thank goodness there were no cameras!

Paralympics continue. Our team of 213 atheletes have won 34 medals. China has over 100 and Great Britain nearly 80. I have not seen a single mention of the games by any of the media. What a shame that these dedicated, inspirational atheletes are so invisible. There are so many untold stories of determination, dedication, and survival against massive odds that could serve as touchpoints of inspiration. I don't understand the total lack of coverage. What a missed opportunity!

2008-09-07T15:15:00.000-05:00

Wonder if anyone saw the opening ceremony for the Paralympics? 92,000 people in the Bird's Nest in Bejing, China audience to welcome 4,400 paralympic atheletes. The fireworks were gorgeous. The stadium show was weird! Very "scaled down" as noted by the announcer, a former paralympic athelete. He noted that in games past, there was not a separate opening ceremony for the paralympics. The characters that filled the field looked like fat, oriental teletubbies with numbers on their chests, I suppose to represent the athelete's numbers. They were multicolored like the rainbow and were in precision lines with a mix of goofy, clumsy moves and a simulated marathon runner in a neon green suit with long ET arms. Was there a message there about how the Chinese view disabilities? Interesting. The procession of the atheletes was impressive and demonstrative of the role of the differently abled in their society and the availability of assistive equipment.

I am looking forward to following the games over the next two weeks. I am especially looking forward to the wheelchair rugby ("murderball" developed by the Canadians) games. The US has a shot at the gold that they lost to the Canadians in 2004. Our team trains in Birmingham @ Lakeshore Rehab. The Paralympics are covered live on the following site as a webcast - no network or ESPN coverage that I have discovered yet. Isn't it interesting how, even in this day and age, that the disabled are so invisible?

The United States won four gold medals in swimming on the opening day, the most of any country. The winners were: Erin Popovich, Rudy Garcia-Tolson, Miranda Uhl and Jessica Long. Want to see the games?

URL: http://www.universalsports.com/HomePage.dbml?&DB_OEM_ID=23000

SELECT "PARALYMPICS" AND LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!

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Received an e-mail from the mayor Friday asking for support for the MARS van here in Madison. Apparently it is being targeted for budget cuts even though a second van has been requested because of the overwhelming requests for service. The chair of the committee commented that he did not see the reason for transporting people to grocery stores and businesses in Madison and jobs. I've been asked to write to the city council again and plan to write to the chair of the finance committee also. Make the invisible visable...

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Why the death quotes? Was awakened from a horrible nightmare today in which I witnessed a murder in a room full of people that no one else saw. As a result, I became a target for murder because I reported the crime and the murderer escaped. Very creepy and scary. Took awhile to reorient to reality!!! Such a real feeling dream! I wonder if this happened because I took my medications so much later than usual yesterday? I stayed awake yesterday until I completed the last of my continuing education requirements for relicensure. Trying to straighten out my medication schedule today. Prefer to skip the nightmares!!!

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"Time is not what you think. Dying? Not the end of everything. We think it is. But what happens on earth is only the beginning." -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -Isaac Asimov

The timing of death, like the ending of a story, gives a changed meaning to what preceded it.
-Mary Catherine Bateson, With a Daughter's Eye, 1984

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pike

I live now on borrowed time, waiting in the anteroom for the summons that will inevitably come. And then - I go on to the next thing, whatever it is. One doesn't luckily have to bother about that. -Agatha Christie, An Autobiography, 1977

Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, "Did you bring joy?"The second was, "Did you find joy?" -Leo Buscaglia

Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:1-3

2008-09-04T12:19:00.000-05:00

Haley running out of our kitchen yesterday! JK, LOL :-)

The toes on my left foot are coming alive! This weekend I have been able to lift the toes on my left foot and dorsiflex and evert my foot. I think I'll name my left foot Rip Van Winkle - it has been asleep for "a long winter's nap". Don't know if it means anything, but it is encouraging. My pool therapist is sick today, so I have another day to work on completing continuing education for license renewal. Managed to finish four more hours this week and am starting a three hour independent study program today. This is the first renewal period that I have not been prepared for way in advance. I have been so busy with rehab that I lost focus with the big picture this past two years. Not sure why I am renewing my license since I cannot really practice now, but I worked too hard to become a nurse to let it lapse and feel too young to go inactive.

We had an interesting night yesterday. I found out that regular dish detergent does not work in the dishwasher! I was trying to finish cleaning the kitchen and did not have any more dishwasher detergent, so decided to see if dish detergent would work...well, it looked like it was snowing in the kitchen. Fortunately, I realized my "experiment" did not work, so began running the dishes through the rinse & hold cycle repeatedly until the "snow storm" stopped. Haley took phone pictures and she & I had a good laugh. Our dishes and the kitchen floor are both VERY clean!

I cannot resist adding the following sign after listening to Palin's speech at the Republican National Convention last night. She sounds like the veto queen. Too bad the VP doesn't have the power to veto!!! Did McCain's campaign organizers let her read the job description?

If McCain wins the election, I just hope he lives for his full term of office. I could not help but note that one of Sarah Palin's statements contrasting McCain and Obama actually spoke about Palin. Think carefully about the implications of this statement in relation to Palin's level of experience and expertise. If I was her, I would be saying "OUCH" for stepping on my own toes!!!:

"In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change." Sarah Palin, Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minn., 9/3/08

2008-09-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

Something to think and pray about this week:

“A friend consoled me after a fire destroyed my records and possessions, ‘We manage to accumulate so much in our lives. It is only when someone close dies and you have to deal with their affairs, that all the things that meant so much to them are seen in a different light. I used to love our silver. It was all family stuff. When we were relieved of it all some years ago by someone who felt they had to have it, I was greatly saddened. However, since then we have replaced some and inherited some more. But I can no longer invest any emotion into things.”

“We seem to desire to hold onto so many things that are precious to us - the things that remind us of people we loved, of past achievements, and of beauty. But in the end these things are within our minds and our hearts. Everything on this earth is dynamic. When one amazing sunset disappears for ever, another glorious sunrise appears elsewhere.”

– Sacred Space, August 31, 2008
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We have until the end of this month to empty the garage and return it to the apartment complex. The thought above gave me an idea about sorting from the perspective of the content value from the perspective of, if my family was sorting out the garage, what would be meaningless and can be gotten rid of. Hmmm.....possibility. First day of the month and time to continue discarding the past. Will see how this view affects this daunting task?

2008-09-01T00:40:00.000-05:00

From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, "God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you." But he turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things." Then Jesus told his disciples, "If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life? For the Son of Man is to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay everyone for what has been done." - Matthew 16:21-27

Thoughts on this scripture - Our Cross to Bear:

One of the ideas in the gospel is that we take up the cross of doing what is right and being willing to bear it. Like parents who try to explain, cajole, encourage and define what is right for their children, even when they are thought foolish. Jesus bore a cross to the end of his convictions and love.
Taking the cross is also accepting and living with pain, suffering of any sort, and the griefs of life we can do nothing about. Crosses may be inflicted on us by others. We know of people who have accepted a heavy burden in life and who ploughed tough furrows, through no fault of their own. They have been helped often by the example of the one who carried the cross to the end. Help often came to them also from family, friends and neighbours.
On the way to Calvary, Jesus was helped by one man, remembered forever, Simon from Africa. Help can come from expected or unexpected quarters, but help there must be if we are to bear our crosses in life. In prayer we might ask how we help those near us carry the burdens of their lives. - Sacred Space, August 31, 2008

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Just when I'm feeling sorry for myself and wondering how much longer I can continue struggling and accept my unfamiliar feeling body, the perfect verse and devotional message appears to remind me that we all have our crosses to bear. So many people, many of which I did not even know, shared love and encouragement when my family and I needed it so badly. During that time of recovery, I had complete faith that there was a reason for surviving. Now that time has passed and progress is slower, I miss having a body that is completely familiar and comfortable, one that can relax totally and move quickly to respond as needed. Sometimes those thoughts overwhelm my sense of gratitude for still being here.

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Sometimes I wonder what I might say if I were to meet you in person Lord. I think I might say "Thank You Lord" for always being there for me. I know with certainty there were times when you carried me, Lord, when it was through your strength I got through the dark times in my life. - Sacred Space, August 31, 2008

2008-08-25T21:47:00.000-05:00

"One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed." -Douglas Adams

"Everything in life depends on how that life accepts its limits."-James Baldwin

"Some people confuse acceptance with apathy, but there's all the difference in the world. Apathy fails to distinguish between what can and what cannot be helped; acceptance makes that distinction. Apathy paralyzes the will-to-action; acceptance frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens." -Arthur Gordon

"The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely." -Carl Gustav Jung
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Feeling like it is time to stop struggling so hard. Maybe it is time to give up and relax for now. Perhaps I am not supposed to walk more than I am now. Fell again Sunday. Thought I broke something in my foot. Swollen. Painful. X-rays cleared me - yeah! Walked over the threshold into my friend's house last night for the book club I've missed for over a year. Lost my balance once and nearly fell, however Jane was right behind me with my wheelchair. I stood up again and finished walking into the foyer. Sat in my wheelchair and had an abdominal spasm. Everything ok afterwards.

Will I ever be able to improve my endurance or am I just kidding myself? If I work harder at it will it happen? No answers to any of these questions now. Will I have the motivation to follow a strengthening, endurance improving program or will I be just like I always have been and not carry it through? Can I believe that I have changed enough since the accident to maintain the level of motivation that I have had over the past two years and eight months to continue?

Why not. I have been working hard three times a week. I am different and will never be the same as before. Keep my mind open and allow room for change. Think I'll ask a friend to be my exercise accountability partner when I'm on my own as a little insurance to help me keep pushing.

I identify with the first quote today about having my body surgically removed! It is a royal mess! I remember a line from one of my meditations during which I identify the parts of my body that are tense, aching, or stiff and am instructed to exhale into the areas one at a time, breathing out the tenseness and allowing the area to soften and relax. In fact, I tried this one while I waited outside for my ride to therapy. Not enough breaths available to soften this spasamataz body today!!!

This meditation session ended with a surprise (absolutely no connection with the event - just kind of cool). When I opened my eyes, a beautiful, multicolored, ruby throated hummingbird buzzed from flower to flower on our empty feeder, then flew over to me, right in front of my nose with it's feathers fanned as it hovered in place as though to say, "HELLO!!! I need more nectar...NOW!!!" I could feel the soft breeze created by it's rapidly flapping wings and noted the individual feathers adorning each wing. For a brief moment, the bird looked directly into my eyes. Don't forget!

2008-08-24T17:13:00.000-05:00

Lead, kindly light, amid the encircling gloom, lead thou me on!

The night is dark, and I am far from home, lead thou me on! - John Henry Cardinal Newman

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

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Awakening in a gloom and doom mood, closing my eyes with the hope it will go away, refusing to get up to face the day...that was today. Finally made myself move and get on with it, exerpts from my devotional readings spoke directly to me. Not at all unusual. I particularly like the metaphorical analogy of the photographer's lens being able to "Zoom Out" for a big picture view rather than staying focused on a specific problem.
---------
"My dad brings his camera along wherever he goes. For him, even a walk around the neighborhood can turn into an opportunity for a photo shoot. As years have gone by
and our family has welcomed in-laws, children, and grandchildren, Dad has zoomed out his camera lens more and more so that we all fit in the picture.

Watching Dad has taught me something important. To help us maintain perspective on our circumstances, my wife and I apply the concept of zooming out. When money is tight, a loved one is ill, or a conflict arises, we take a few minutes to shift from our limited viewpoint to God's more long-term outlook. This is a practical way to increase joy and to decrease fear.
Focusing on close-up shots of any problem can be overwhelming. God does not want us to live in fear. Rather, God wants us to experience the abundant life possible for us. When we feel consumed by a situation, we can "zoom out."
- Kevin Heffernan (California, U.S.A.) The Upper Room, August 24, 2008.

2008-08-23T15:22:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the closing of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. August 29 begins the torch run for the 2008 Summer Paralympic Games. The opening ceremony for the 13th Paralympic Games is on September 6. A few sleep catch-up nights for those of us who are fascinated with the competitions. This year will be the first year that I have even been aware of the Paralympic Games. I've known about the Special Olympics forever, but not the Paralympics.

It is amazing how much of the world is invisible to the unaffected eye. I will be watching the games with interest and to observe tips on what is possible. The movie "Murderball" was my first exposure to the existence of the Paralympics and an opportunity to see how some people have learned to live with their new bodies. I look forward to more enlightenment and encouragement to keep on moving. Hard for me to believe how unaware I have been most of my life, and, of course, I am still. Every day is an opportunity to learn something new. I do enjoy this part of my forced slowdown. It is really an opportunity to glimpse into the world of others and take the time to ask questions about what I do not understand.

An interesting sidenote! I just read an article about the American vendor who was contracted to fit each of the Chinese Paralympians with a custom wheelchair for their events at the expense of the Chinese government. Sounds like this may be the first time these atheletes have competed in the Paralympics. Guess I'll continue to be sleep deprived as I watch and learn more about this competition. If you are interested, see the website on my blog under favorite links. Let the games begin...

2008-08-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

Difficult to feel "seen" when you're the bird on the bottom! Does mom even know I'm here???

Invisible describes an object which neither reflects nor absorbs light (that is, it allows light to pass through it). In nature, this is known as transparency. -Wikipedia

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A good friend sent a thought-provoking video clip from youtube today entitled "The Invisible Woman" (URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0 ). The message contained in the clip caused me to stop to think about all of the people who have made invisible contributions in my life and to think about how I have contributed to the lives of others. I discovered that everyone I have ever met has contributed to my life in some way. Even those whom I felt were not what I thought they should be, left indelible marks and were not at all invisible. To my eyes, these marks were transparent, invisible until now. The light shining through us to others, is frequently not visible, however, like the cathedral bird carver stated so clearly, God sees...

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BTW - I now wonder if the "who are you" look that mom gave me several years back after her brain shunt was placed really meant "who are you". Perhaps an early glimpse of dementia.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain.

2008-08-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

Approaching "The Wall"... in terms of rehabilitation, is significant as the "point of maximal improvement" is pronounced by the physical therapist and/or physician. "The Wall" in this particular situation is complex, nebulous, and, in some situations, seemingly random. It is a combination of experience, statistical prognostication, and continuence of progress toward an indeterminant goal. Unlike the Great Wall of China, the wall of rehabilitation may define the limit of support available to assist progress, in contrast to the purpose of "The Great Wall of China" to serve as protection from invasion and a safe route for life sustaining provisions.

I wondered how it would feel when this discussion became a part of my follow-up visits. Today was that day. I am still not really how I feel, other than torn between the need to continue to push for progress or to accept where I'm at and embrace the progress made. A part of me feels that to stop pushing is giving up and disappointing myself and others. Another part of me is tired and ready accept and work with where I am right now. It was wierd talking about being given an impairment score and permanent disability rating. "Permanent" is the word that gives me pause - a flash reality check.

Most likely, I will choose another path...accepting and working with where I am right now by learning as much as possible about how to maintain gains while, at the same time, never giving up on possibility. I wanted to try the Body Weight Supported Treadmill Program at Spain Rehab in B'Ham. My case manager is looking into the program, however, the support does not seem to be there from the doctor here - not surprising...His response to my inquiry was that since I'm already walking, the way to increase walking is to do more walking. Perhaps he's right. Gotta figure in safety somewhere, however, that has not really stopped me before!

I've already started looking up information on recommendations for exercise after SCI. I have learned from experience that I will have to design my own home program for land PT. Pool PT will be different. I will be able to get information for a maintenance program at the pool. I have one more OT appointment. They have helped me sort through all that I've learned to come up with a reasonable plan. The wall is not really an insurmountable obstacle, rather, it is just one more milestone along this journey.
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A milestone is one of a series of numbered markers placed along a road or boundary at regular intervals, typically at the side of the road or in a median. Milestones are constructed to reassure travellers that the proper path is being followed, and to indicate either distance travelled or the remaining distance to a destination. They are alternatively known as mile markers, mileposts, or mile posts (sometimes abbreviated MPs), notably in the United States.
-Wikipedia

2008-08-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." -Kahlil Gibran

There are only two lasting bequests we can can hope to give our children. One of these is roots; the other, wings. -William Hodding Carter, Jr.

The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him. -Pau (Pablo) Casals

When I approach a child He inspires in me two sentiments:Tenderness for what he is,And respect for what he may become.

(Chaque enfant réveille en moi Tendresse et respect;Tendresse pour ce qu'il est,Respect pour ce qu'il deviendra.) -Louis Pasteur

Today is the first day of college for Haley. She was so excited! It was fun to be able to see her reaction to this transition. I was concerned that Haley would not have the full college experience if she decided to go to school locally - WRONG!!! She went to the incoming freshman activities, has started using the fitness center, and is rushing for a sorority. It is obvious that she is going to embrace the wide range of opportunities that college offers. She told me that she would get involved - I believe her!!!

2008-08-17T02:30:00.000-05:00

"...and the Holy Spirit descended on him in bodily form like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." Luke 3:22
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On days like today, I have a difficult time believing that the verse from Luke could possibly apply to me. How could God be well pleased with someone so broken? Today has been a spiral down day of accomplishing little and feeling physically and emotionally off key. My body ruled everything today...awakened with spasms all night, rising feeling unrested, achy, stiff. Today feels like a set back, maybe a payback for the last two stress packed weeks. I planned to go to the Comedy Improv tonight, but severe abdominal spasms started while I was finishing my makeup and stopped me in my tracks. Just when I was singing my "poor pitiful me" aria, my friend called from outside the apartment to introduce me to someone else who lives nearby. I couldn't even get to the door and explained why to my friend...any movement stimulated additional spasms of my stomach, making it like a "one-pack" - no six pack for me! Just a solid, contracted band of muscle where my flabby abdomen usually resides, screaming for me to relax and be quiet. I realize I am being dramatic. I am loved even in the midst of the most uncomfortable day...My job is to grab these words and take them to heart, face what is already here today, knowing that I have been given the strength to do so. Today is a day that I need to practice keeping my eyes wide open to the present and remember that even on a physically miserable day, there are still endless possibilities...hope someone was able to use my Improv ticket...maybe I'll try again next month. In the meantime, I will look to the sky for the dove symbol of the Holy Spirit and God's unconditional love.
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AnnaSophia Robb - Keep Your Mind Wide Open Lyrics

Have you ever seen the sky so

Beautiful, colorful

Wide and wonderful

Have you ever felt the sunshine so

Brilliantly raining down

Oh the unity

Have you ever wanted more?

Wanted more?

You’ve got to keep your mind wind open
All the possibilities

You’ve got to live with your eyes open

Believe in what you see

Think of all the days you've wasted

Worrying, wondering

Hopelessly hoping

Think of all the time ahead

Don't hesitate, contemplate

No it's not too late

Have you ever wanted more?

Wanted more?

Don't you know there's so much more

You've got to keep your mind wind open

All the possibilities

You've got to live with your eyes open

Believe in what you see

Tomorrows horizons full of surprises

Don't let them take your dreams away

You've got to keep your mind wind open

All the possibilities

You've got to live with your eyes open

Believe in what you see

You've got to keep your mind wind open

All the possibilities

You've got to live with your eyes open

Believe in what you see

You've got to keep your mind wind open

Believe in what you see

You've got to live with your eyes open

Believe in what you see

2008-08-12T02:21:00.000-05:00

PARALYMPICS BEJING 2008 - SEPTEMBER 6 - 17

Sir Ludwig Guttmann organized a sports competition in 1948 which became known as the Stoke Mandeville Games, involving World War II veterans with spinal cord injuries; in 1952 competitors from the Netherlands took part in the competition, giving an international notion to the movement. The first Olympic-style games for athletes with a disability were held in Rome in 1960; officially called the 9th Annual International Stoke Mandeville Games, these are considered to be the first Paralympic Games. The first Winter Paralympics were held in Örnsköldsvik, Sweden in 1976.

Since 1988, the Summer Paralympics have been held in conjunction with the Olympic Games in the same host city. This practice was adopted in 1992 for the Winter Paralympics, and became an official policy of the International Olympic Committee and the IPC following a June 19, 2001 agreement. The Games take place three weeks after the closing of the Olympics, in the same host city and using the same facilities. Cities bidding to host the Olympic Games must include the Paralympic Games in their bid, and typically both Games are now run by a single organizing committee

2008-08-08T05:09:00.000-05:00

"The people who say they don’t have time to take care of themselves will soon discover they’re spending all their time being sick."
-Patricia Alexander, Book of Comforts
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Dad has was hospitalized the evening of the 6th after going to the ER with another nosebleed that would not stop. As he was getting ready to go home, he began having heaviness in his chest which was finally releived with nitroglycerine. Bloodwork indicated that he had an enzyme elevation so he was admitted for observation. Heart enzymes were ok and thallium scan/treadmill test was normal. Blood pressure was high in ER and normal when discharged. He returned to the ER with another nosebleed a few hours later. Dad returned home and within a few hours he had another nosebleed. He is going to see the ENT doc tomorrow or return to the ER to get vessel cauterized. Marla is on her way to KS to check on him.
-----------------------------
Update note. Read the quotation I have included...reality supports it's truth. Marla called on Friday afternoon. Dad was waiting for his appointment with the ENT. Complained of a severe headache. His blood pressure was 19o's/110's. They called his family doctor and I suggested that he take one of his nitroglycerine tablets to bring it down a little if they had to wait long for a return call along with sitting quietly in his chair. Long story, short version. Dad had hypertension meds prescribed eight years ago and doctor had recorded in his chart that he was on meds. Well...dad has never taken them and he did not refill his nitro prescription. My sister thinks he is concerned about expenses to the point that he is not refilling prescriptions. Not sure what the issue is with the BP meds. He also has not been taking his statins (cholesterol) med. We talked for four days to the wee hours of the morning during our visit. I obviously did not ask the right questions!!! I asked about BP when he told me about his nosebleeds and he told me it was a little high at first but came back down to normal. He has a new BP prescription and had his nose cauterized to stop the bleeding with follow-up appointments at both offices. I hope he gets the message to start caring for himself as much as he cares for mom.

2008-08-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

"Mother and Child" by Mary Cassatt

On permanent display at the Wichita Museum of Art in Kansas

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"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." - Clara Ortega

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." ~Oscar Wilde

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Just returned from visiting my family in Kansas. Mom has been placed in a health care facility. I was impressed by how wonderfully she is being cared for as dementia slowly robs her of alertness, clarity of thought, and communication abilities. Two therapy dogs and five beautiful cats wander through the halls at the speed of its residents, slow and leisurely, while five caged birds sing in the small day room. I love the animals' presence, a touch of homelike normalcy in a very abnormal environment. I observe the "O" sign as mom slips in an out of awakeness with her mouth wide open as though trying to take advantage of every molecule of oxygen in the room. She has a nasal cannula in place providing an extra supply to her damaged lungs and enlarged heart.

I think mom might sometimes identify with the caged birds, being locked away in an unfamiliar place that she resists when her moments of lucidity surface. Perhaps thinking, like so many of the people I cared for in my nursing career, that if only they could return to their home, the familiar, that everything would be as before and dissipate the fogginess clouding their minds. I wonder if each family member who loves mom, particularly dad, her husband of sixty years, perceives this metaphor on an unconscious level?

"Connie (dad), go pull the car around. I'm ready to leave," mom declares as she tries to pull her frail, weakened body to a sitting position so she can be wheeled from her room, through the locked doors to freedom and return to "before". Mom doesn't remember her journey inward to the isolation of sleep, watching television, and smoking...or, maybe she does...three years of detachment from others and her distancing descent into a world of inactivity and intractable pain of spinal stenosis.

Whether mom remembers or not, it doesn't matter anymore. My heart aches to see the pain in dad's eyes each time he leaves her behind, knowing that he cannot care for her at home any longer - a violation of the pact they made years ago when grandpa had a stroke and, after his death, grandma developed Alzheimer's and was placed in a care home. I would imagine that mom and dad could see the possibility of future health issues for themselves. The flaw in their agreement was the common misconception that working hard and saving for retirement would somehow protect them from a similar fate, along with their very human inability to foresee any situation that could force them to make such a decision for each other in the future.

It seems strange, in some ways, that such an agreement existed when the usual pattern in our family was to declare problem behaviors unmanageable, even dangerous, and send them away to be "fixed" or cared for somewhere else by someone else. As a child, this pattern was frightening. My take away message was that that it was better to be invisible than to risk being sent away if I wasn't good enough. Now, with adult eyes, I have a better understanding of the choices made in context of the times, circumstances, and capabilities of those involved. I am sad that I have not been able to share with mom that I do understand, even though I still disagree with some of her decisions.

Mom and dad's promise to care for each other at home forever does not seem so unreasonable. Mom had to make those decisions for both of her parents and each time it was difficult, even guilt provoking. Guilt is the exact feeling dad expressed when we talked about how he is managing the daily stress of placing mom in a care facility, leaving her there when he leaves, and adjusting to her absence at home.

Unfortunately, we rarely know what life has in store for our future. It is so much easier to think that we have some control over our future than to accept the reality that life is a gift full of unknowns. The only guarentee is that of impermanence. Change is inevitable and
unpredictable. The present moment is all that is certain and our struggle to prove otherwise creates unnecessary suffering. Perhaps, if I repeat this often enough, I will truly and completely receive the wisdom that gets dad through each day - pray, let go, and leave the rest to God.

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"Women seem to focus more on the constant question, "Are we close or are we distant?" When I talk to women about their mothers and daughters, almost in the first sentence, every single one tells me, "We're close," or "We're not close," or "I want to be closer than I am, or closer than I was to my own mother."

"As our mothers age, and we do a lot of physical caretaking, many of us come to look at our mothers in a new way. Taking care of another person in that basic way fills you with a kind of love that I don't think you feel in other context. I think it's quite a bit like what mothers feel taking care of young children."

"You’re Wearing That?" by Deborah Tannen

2008-07-31T02:05:00.000-05:00

If you think you're beaten, you are;

If you think you dare not, you don't;

If you'd like to win, but think, you can't

It's almost a cinch you won't.

If you think you will lose, you're lost;

For out in the world we find,

Success begins with a fellow's will,

It's all in the state of mind.

If you think you're outclassed, you are;

You've got to think high to rise.

You've got to hustle before

You can ever win a prize.

Life's battles don't always go

To the stronger or faster man,

But sooner or later the man who wins

Is the one who thinks he can.

-Walter D. Wintle, "The Man Who Thinks He Can"

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The power of one's mind to overcome and deal with adversity and promote healing through the mind - body connection is incredible! As in the photo above, however, mindfulness may be an unavailable commodity to the downtrodden, trampled, impoverished soul. Such poverty of spirit is an issue of such complexity that those only those who are clutched in it's grasp can understand the desperation of their own personal story.

2008-07-30T21:27:00.000-05:00

Decided not to move after reviewing the the actual numbers. If I empty my garage and turn it over, I will only be paying a little more each month. It is worth this much to me to stay in the same place for another year. I would really like to keep this stability for a little longer. Called the office with my decision to renew my lease for a year. I feel relieved!!! Time to simplify living and pare down again. I'm cool with that. Things are just things...

This year should continue to bring more changes. Home base stability will make it a bit easier. It is so quiet and peaceful here. I love the sounds of nature and having a view of trees rather than other apartments. Just need to get out more and involved is some local activities - including going to church, even if I can't get to my home church. I can wheel in my chair when the weather is good. The yoga class is another start.

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"O Lord, make me an instrument of Thy Peace!

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is discord, harmony.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sorrow, joy.

Oh Divine Master, grant that

I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life."

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-Saint Francis of Assisi, The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis (often referred to as "The Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi")

2008-07-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

Research is defined as human activity based on intellectual application in the investigation of matter. The primary aim for applied research is discovering, interpreting, and the development of methods and systems for the advancement of human knowledge on a wide variety of scientific matters of our world and the universe. Research can use the scientific method, but need not do so. Wickipedia

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Why the definition of research today? Because, I am in the last two months as a subject in a nursing study out of Rochester, NY. I have participated as a subject in three additional studies, two for dissertations. I can say definitively that being a subject is much easier than being the researcher!!! Interesting how, in an instant, I switched sides! Maybe this is one of the things I am supposed to do in my lifetime. Perhaps human knowledge needs to be advanced in the area of outliers!

Each year, there are around 12,000 new spinal cord injuries. There are approximately 255,000 people in the USA living with an SCI. The average age at injury used to be around 28, however, 39 is the new average age as of 2005 (the year of my accident - I contributed to these stats!). Males are most commonly affected (75%-80%). Etiology of injury in order of occurrence - motor vehicle accidents, falls, acts of violence, and recreational sporting events. Type of injury starting with the most common - incomplete tetraplegia, complete para plegia, complete tetraplegia, and incomplete paraplegia. Most of those injured are single, employed, and discharged alive to a residential situation.

Many times I feel like a complete anomaly, however the stats say otherwise. The points that are similar to the predominant characteristics are that I was hurt in an automobile accident and am an incomplete tetraplegic. I was single (divorced) at the time of injury, employed (3 jobs), and was discharged to my home. Guess it helps to review the stats!!! I'm not such an odd duck after all!

Biorhythm definitely on a down swing today!!! Gloomy, rainy, chaotic...

Just received news that rent increase cannot be changed to within my budget. Oh, well...it was nice staying in one place for 18 months. This has been such a nice, healing place. We have moved five times in six years - six if we count Haley's move to live with our church friends and mine for five months in the hospital. Maybe next move will be one that will allow a longer stay. Time to start another search and figure out how to orchestrate another move.

One good piece of news today, but have been sworn to secrecy until after tomorrow. I'm happy to get a good news flash for a change! Yeah!!! God is good!

2008-07-28T14:50:00.000-05:00

I realized as I looked over previous blog entries that mine are pretty "quote heavy", so this entry will be without quotes from others. The photo attached is our traditional goofy photo after Haley's graduation. I would not trade our silliness for anything! We took serious pictures, but the fun one is my favorite.

I wonder, as I re-read some of the quotations I have collected for this blog, if the authors actually lived their recommendations or if they wrote about their ideal life? I know Thoreau lived his treatise on solitude at Walden. What about George Carlin? His thoughts are so on target. I hope he truly lived them before his too short life ended this year.

Living life to the fullest is a recurrent theme that I have bumped into over the last few months. Perhaps this has to do with a universal longing to value the moments we have been blessed with on this earth and a reminder to slow down and fully absorb life's richness. I have watched two movies in the past two weeks that addressed this very issue - The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, in which two men with very different lives are hospitalized with cancers that are not curable and The Last Holiday with Queen Latifah as a woman who has been diagnosed with a fatal disease. Both movies address the quest to live life to the fullest and, in the end, discover what is most important.

Did Jack Kerouac actually take time to lie on the grass and look at the clouds? Does Joan Borysenko find her joy from within? What about Anne Morrow Lindberg? Was she able to find her "core" as she dealt with the tragedy in her life so that she could reconnect with others? The lesson to be learned from all of these quotations and the movies is to not wait for the "perfect" time or circumstance to fully engage in living. The "how to do it" is the challenge as I see it.

I'm attempting to identify the "what now" in my life. How do I reconstruct a life of meaning and purpose from a completely foreign frame of reference? All of the things that I thought defined who I am have changed or vanished. I should know by now that living is a continuous journey comprised of unlimited opportunities to redefine, refine, and refocus on the important things in life, which, by the way, are not "things"!

Socrates said that "the unexamined life is not worth living". This philosophy is challenged in Fieryo's song from the musical Wicked in the song "Dancing Through Life". Fieryo sings that schools teach the wrong lesson, that studying the strife in life only invites more stress in. He advocates living the "unexamined life". Fieryo has a point!!! We can easily get bogged down in thought rather than action.

Lesson - jump in!!! As long as you are breathing, there is more right with the world than wrong, so enjoy it and share it!!

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I can't resist the quotations!!! Sorry about that! These are short, sweet, and full of wisdom!

"Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So... get on your way."
-Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel)

A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
-Lao-Tzu

2008-07-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

Because gratification of a desire leads to the temporary stilling of the mind and the experience of the peaceful, joyful Self, it's no wonder that we get hooked on thinking that happiness comes from the satisfaction of desires. This is the meaning of the old adage, "Joy is not in things, it is in us." -Joan Borysenko

"All progress occurs because people dare to be different." -Harry Milner

"There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still." -Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. All progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people." - George Bernard Shaw

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How do these quotes go together??? Guess my stream of thought is difficult to follow sometimes! I received an e-mail early this morning with a great video about joy. It was very timely because I have been having some doubting thoughts about being able to walk again and have been somewhat discouraged that other people are not as positive about it as I am. I know everyone's intentions are good. They don't want me to be disappointed if I don't become an independent walker and are concerned about my physical safety in the meantime (falling). My only disappointment will be if I don't get to try. So...to keep motivation alive, I'm reviewing progress up to this point to remind myself of where I started and how far I have come - a quick review to dispel doubts! So, that's where the progress quotations come in...

BTW - I'm learning yoga in an adaptive yoga class

2008-07-26T16:12:00.000-05:00

After all this kind of fanfare, and even more, I came to a point where I needed solitude and to just stop the machine of 'thinking' and 'enjoying' what they call 'living,' I just wanted to lie in the grass and look at the clouds...
-Jack Kerouac, Lonesome Traveler

It is not physical solitude that actually separates one from others; not physical isolation, but spiritual isolation. It is not the desert island nor the stony wilderness that cuts you from the people you love. It is the wilderness in the mind, the desert wastes in the heart through which one wanders lost and a stranger. When one is a stranger to oneself then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others. How often in a large city, shaking hands with my friends, I have felt the wilderness stretching between us. Both of us were wandering in arid wastes, having lost the springs that nourished us -- or having found them dry. Only when one is connected to one's own core is one connected to others, I am beginning to discover. And, for me, the core, the inner spring, can best be refound through solitude. -Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows. -Henry David Thoreau, Walden

"The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till the other is ready, and it may be along time before they get off." -Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854

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Solitude...writings on the subject are very telling about the author's preferences and tendency toward introversion or extraversion. Personally, I re-energize in solitude. I am certain that this is one of the reasons I have such difficulty with having caregivers in my home. Sharing what precious little personal time I have with someone else is draining, even though that help is needed and appreciated.

Of course there are other factors as well, such as the longing for independence. This "need" can be viewed in many different ways, both positive and negative. I am reluctant to admit that I require help or have to ask for it - character flaw? pride? fear of rejection? fear of being seen as weak? feeling unworthy of other's time and efforts? or just that age old "not good enough" issue? Regardless of the source or label, it is...

Relationship is essential for balance and character development. I prefer to choose with whom to relate and when to do so. Others may be energized and renewed in the midst of a crowd and view solitude as a form of torture. Thank goodness for these differences! Without diversity, any hope of balance would be lost.

See Pearl Buck's statement about living alone. She and Thoreau might have presented an interesting debate on the subject of solitude! Buck does make a good argument for the importance of relationship. Kerouac and Lindbergh explain clearly their need for solitude as well (see above quotations).

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The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. -Pearl Buck, To My Daughters, with Love (1967)

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The issue I'm struggling with right now is not really any of the above (except for wanting to just lie on the grass and look at the clouds!). It is more of whether I am overestimating my abilities and using my personal preferences to support my choices and behavior. Do I need a reality check from the "outside" or am I being reasonable to keep pushing myself to the limits of what I think might be possible? Also, I wonder sometimes if I am pushing hard enough?

The issue of living in the present with what is and the uncertainty of what might be seems to me to be the repetitive theme. When will I ever be able to just lean back and "let life unfold according to its own plan"? According to Ruiz and Buddha, I am creating unnecessary suffering - duh!!! When will this message solidify in my psyche???

As I write this, I am remembering the difference between now and when I was in the rehab hospital. Living in the moment was the only way to be during that time and accepting help was clearly necessary. Why should now be different? Reminder to self...don't lose the lesson!!!

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Our minds have the need to “know.” When we don’t know, we make assumptions - they make us feel safer than not knowing. And we are pretty much always making assumptions. We assume that we know how someone is going to react to us. We assume that our efforts will or will not be successful. And not only do we believe our assumptions about what other people are thinking, but then we end up taking those assumptions personally and even end up resenting the person. To avoid assumptions, ask questions. It takes courage to trust the present moment, to allow other people to be exactly who they are, and to let life unfold according to its own plan… and it avoids a great deal of suffering. -Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

2008-07-22T23:04:00.000-05:00

Well, what do ya think of my next chair???
Read these specs!!!

Jet Powered Concept Wheelchair

0-300 mph in 4.2 seconds

Run-flat high pressure tires

Rear airfoil for added stability

Wind sock included

Curb feelers for easy parking

Retail - $755,000

ON SALE NOW FOR ONLY - $387,568

Allegro Medical.com

Four Days Only!!!

July is National Wheelchair Beautification Month

Highway 20 will never be the same!!!

2008-07-20T01:39:00.000-05:00

"How would you feel if you lost your mother tomorrow ... your spouse ... your sister or your closest friend? Suppose you lost your job, your savings, and the use of your legs on the same day; could you face the prospect of spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair? Pain is inevitable, suffering is not. You can suffer through things like that or you can face

them openly--the choice is yours."
--Henepola Gunaratana

View full article @ URL: http://newmobility.com/articleViewIE.cfm?id=202

2008-07-19T15:08:00.000-05:00

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened, but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.
-Robert Louis Stevenson

Insomnia may be a hidden gift! How many "normal sleepers" are aware of the signs of the gradual dawning of a new day? Do you know when the crickets and other night noises give way to the quiet stillness of the night? Have you heard those early birds on their hunt for worms? When do they become quiet and the early dawn of morning slowly lights the sky? I can almost tell the time of day by quietening my mind and listening to sounds...crickets and bullfrogs around 8PM until about 1AM...quiet moonshine stillness until 4AM when the early birds begin their search for worms...5AM quiet again as the sun slowly rises in the sky...I would never have known that there is a train nearby just after midnight had I not failed the counting sheep exercise miserably and listened carefully to the sounds outside. Nature's cycle there for the hearing - an insomniacs reward for sleeplessness.

If water derives lucidity from stillness, how much more the faculties of the mind! The mind of the sage, being in repose, becomes the mirror of the universe, the speculum of all creation. Chuang Tzu

2008-07-16T04:57:00.000-05:00

"It's at night, when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of our vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of the sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the waking mind. I wish I believed, as J. B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long while. Three score years and ten is such a stingy ration of time, when there is so much time around. Perhaps that's why some of us are insomniacs; night is so precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing." -Brian Aldiss

I cannot believe that it has happened again!!! Another lost night to the sleep thief called "insomnia"... How do I know? I hear the birds begin singing - they always start at about 4AM. Rebel is asleep in my bed with his head on a pillow dreaming dog dreams, breathing fast, then slow. Early morning is a time of silence with gentle awakening sounds. The wind blowing gently through the pine trees, the sound of a train in the distance, my stomach rumbling for breakfast, even though my head has not touched the pillow this night! The sun is rising. It's cool outside. I can feel the cool through the window. Think I'll just stay awake and get a head start on Wednesday. The bird woke Rebel. He is mindlessly grooming himself and trying to sleep again. Surprised I wasn't more tired. I wheeled my manual chair all over WalMart - great exercise! Time for meditating in the dawn now.

2008-07-12T18:48:00.000-05:00

We can rest contentedly in our sins and in our stupidities, and anyone who has watched gluttons shoveling down the most exquisite foods as if they did not know what they were eating will admit that we can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.
- C.S. Lewis

Nobody’s life is entirely free of pain and sorrow. Isn’t it a question of learning to live with them rather than trying to avoid them? The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind. - Eckhart Tolle

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Yesterday is the first time that I have admitted to having pain since my accident. I have equated pain with not being strong, doing something wrong, or not doing enough, instead of a God given warning signal from my body that needs to be attended to. Acknowledgement of pain says nothing about my character, however, denying pain speaks volumes...

"We take care of the future by taking care of the present now." - Jon Kabat-Zinn

2008-07-05T13:40:00.000-05:00

This photo is of two guys who raised this lion cub as part of their family. They were forced to release the lion into the wild and were told that the lion would forget them as it grew older. The guys decided to test the prediction and visited the game preserve where the lion was released. What do you think happened? See the video clip for the answer.

This second video makes me SMILE also at how incredibly smart dogs can be at solving problem situations. Watch and most of all ENJOY!!!

"Leave me here freely all alone, In cell where never sunlight shone, Should no one ever speak to me, This golden silence makes me free." (part of a poem written by a blessed Titus Brandsma while prisoner at Dachau concentration camp)

Even during dark feeling times, as in the poetry exerpt above, there is a light of hope and freedom that lives in our heart and mind if we allow it to take residence. The photo and video clips in this entry make me smile, even when I feel most sullen.

Have a wonderful day full of love, hugs, and smiles!!! XOXOXO :-)

2008-07-04T14:39:00.000-05:00

Happy 4th of July!!!

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they, and you, are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

2008-07-04T01:57:00.000-05:00

Walking Rebel on Wednesday, it was visually, so clear and crisp outside. Rebel was trotting to the left of my wheelchair when I noticed a beautiful dragonfly pass us on the right, then slow down and stayed alongside us for several minutes. It was SO strange feeling - like time was suspended and the three of us were moving in unison, slow motion, inseperable energies encased in three different body forms. An "all time" experience of just "being". Time stood still, sounds faded into the background. Perhaps this is what it feels like to be totally present...

The master in the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his information and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence at whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he's always doing both. - James A. Michener

2008-07-04T01:26:00.000-05:00

Wonder if anyone ever gets used to how their body feels after a C-spine injury? Sat in the booth yesterday for dinner with Haley. It was good to be out of the wheelchair, but I felt like I was sitting on a cushion of water or balancing on a boogie board in the pool during the entire meal. I explained to Haley how it feels, that I am never completely comfortable unless I am lying in or sitting on my bed or in the pool. I wonder if a comfort level with how one's body feels ever happens. If I use my stander-glider too much or walk with my walker too much, I pay with muscles that are so tight that I cannot relax them at will. These activities do help with spasticity, but, then I have to have some deep tissue body work done to allow my muscles to relax. Catch-22 dilema, but necessary for progress. My body still has lots to learn or I still have lots to still adjust to. Hmmm...maybe this is a prime example of something I have to let go and just experience "what is" because, as Jon Kabat-Zinn would say in his mindfulness meditations, "it is already here".

2008-06-28T07:27:00.000-05:00

Insomnia...have given up on sleep and am starting my day. I heard the birds start singing @ 4AM, saw the light come through the blinds @ 5AM. I will try again tonight. The wall patches are dry and ready for sanding and painting. Laundry is waiting to be folded. The apartment is quiet as Haley and Rebel soak up their last hour of sleep. Read devotions and will meditate and pray in the quiet. Sacred Space quoted Gibran as noted below. I hear the Blue Angels flying over in final practice for the airshow this afternoon.

Children are deprived not because we do not give them things, but because we do not sufficiently value what they give us. We need to be alert to welcome what children have to offer. You remember how Kahlil Gibran wrote about children,

"You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

Our children are flying forward into areas we have not charted ourselves. What is asked of us is in Kahlil's last phrase, ‘Even as the Archer loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.' We are expected to be calm, reliable, showing a steady love in our own lives, and to offer our children what Jesus offered: time, love, stability, and a readiness to bless.

Words of wisdom to start the day...

2008-06-28T04:55:00.000-05:00

The Impossible:
Unsinkable ships sink,
Unbreakable walls break,
Sometimes the things you think will never happen,
Happen just like that.
Unbendable steel bends,
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable,
I’ve learned to never underestimate the impossible.”
Man with a Memory, Joe Nichols, 2003

Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible. -Saint Francis of Assisi

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20

2008-06-27T01:05:00.000-05:00

The phrase "now what" has been a frequent thought throughout the past several insomniac weeks. It seems as though each leap of progress is preceeded by a period of frustration and doubt. I'm on the verge of really walking. Of course, "walking" is redefined much the same as new parents redefine the meaning of "sleeping through the night" when their baby is a newborn. I was shocked to realize that being an upright biped with a walker is counted as walking! by physical therapists!!!

I have a new respect for toddlers as I watch them take their first wobbly, broad-based steps! Decidedly, toddlers have a few advantages over an adult re-learning how to walk. Toddlers have "cruising" props such as coffee tables, furniture, and the eager fingers of an encouraging parent for them to grasp. Toddlers are short and have padded bottoms - both of which make falls less risky. I definitely have farther to fall!!! Worth the risk...no pain, no gain.